christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I played my viola with purpose for the first time in years I remember being a teenager sitting in front of my mother's computer, in a dimly lit room on a school night, waiting patiently (and at times inpatiently) for the diaryland server to uncrowd so I can write whatever little quip I could think of. I look back on these entries thinking about what change has become of me since first starting this diary in 2002. I've printed out every entry, excluding song lyrics, so that I could get a feel for how I've progressed as a writer and how I've grown as a person. Obviously towards the later years, I seldom write entries. I hope to change that, because this really has been one of the healthiest things I've done for myself. I've been diagnosed with moderate depression and obsessive-compulsive tendancies. I just had a follow up appointment with my provider, and we're continuing my current prescriptions. They've helped in a way, but the moodswings really come in waves. I'll be perfectly normal one instant, than become anxious or apathetic the next. And it's really put a dark cloud over Starla and I, because for some reason... she exacerbates it. It's not like she puts me through stress, but I guess I've been going through a weird patch because I'm hitting that quarter-life crisis. I'm twenty two and still have no direction. Something I've been complaining about for a few years now. I really have been fighting with this depression everyday, for it brings out the worst in me. And honestly, I hate these awkward feelings that interrupt my relationship with Star. Some would say I'm in denial, and at times I wondered it. But the fact of the matter is, every possible solution that I come up with includes her. I find solace that through all the emotions I'll go through, I'll still need and love her just the same. It's not fair to her for me to bring her down, so I try my hardest to keep positive. I listen to her words, and I grasp onto them as hard as possible. But every now and again, my mind takes over and reason becomes an impossibility. But I'm getting better, and thankfully Starla's been amazingly patient and supportive. I don't know where I'd be without her. I've finished writing my fifth short film. It's one that I've been planning out in my head in the back of my mind, but never got around to writing. Due to the lack of coordination on Geeks, I kind of gave up the short film work and opted for moderately green pastures of work, love, and a film for a friend that will forever go unproduced. As I've been pushing myself to finish this DOD script, it became less fun to write. This film was a nice break from feeling like I'm forcing myself to be creative. It was a breath of fresh air. Finished in two days, it's become one of my favorites. It's funny, it's vulgar, and the lead characters are named after the Baldwin brothers. I've talked to Nick first, as he was my partner for Earth616 films. For those that don't remember, Earth616 was the production company that Nick and I founded for our films. The only completed film was "The Alarm" which has only been seen by Nick and myself. Geeks has yet to be finished due to complications with the editing equipment. Nick was enthusiastic about working on a new flick, considering he had about as much fun on Geeks as I did, and he took one of the two supporting characters. With Nick's go ahead, I talked to Brenda who helped out on Geeks and offered her any role she wanted. I wanted Steve to play the main role and tried writing it around Steve's mannerisms. He seems interested in the part, so I'm getting him a copy of the script. There are still three roles left to fill, so if anybody still reads this and is interested, please let me know. If all goes well, we'll film soon. I don't want to give a date, because it seems like the last few times I've done that, the result was an unfilmed movie. I'll just say that I'm going to work on this project with much patience, and effort. I've grown an inability to satisfy my hunger for powerful, brutal metal. I've been slowly crafting new songs in the bonus room of the house. I'm interested in making a metal demo, but again, I dare not make any declarations of finishing dates. I'm having a crisis of humanity and the meaning of living. I've been having a crisis of faith for some time, and it's now starting to tear into my psyche. Maybe it's the melancholy or the gloom of all the bad things going in the world, but I've been feeling a lack of meaning in all of the things I do. A common symptom of depression is finding a disinterest in the hobbies you used to enjoy. So I could be suffering from that. But, I've been questioning everything I do. The question that precedes or succeeds every action is, "Does it matter?" This question plagues me. It haunts my days and nights. I wonder like the rest of the animals in this life, what it means to exist. What does it lead to, and is there a point? I begin keeping score of the good I've done, and the bad. But fear is no reason to give charity, as it is brought on by the wrong intentions. It means nothing to accept a faith for fear of the afterlife. It no longer becomes belief. It becomes insecurity, and I refuse to believe in anything out of fear. If I'm to believe in anything, it will be because I believe in it. So therefore, I monitor the good I do and question it's out of good intentions or selfish exoneration. I hope to find resolution in this issue, as it's something that I'll obsess over. Typically in these entries, I usually have some positive outlook I end with. I don't know if I can redeem the purpose of this entry. So I'll just say to be continued for now. I will continue to listen to music and do what I can when I can. I'll keep writing and trust the current. All I can do is hope... 3:49 a.m. - 2008-08-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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