christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I contemplated a new form of therapy that is bound to be a miserable failure. I thought maybe it might help with all the disorganization and helplessness in my mind, although I'm afraid it will be misinterpreted as the wrong thing. I considered writing a suicide note just to see what I would say. What would be my last words? Sometimes I have these morbid curiosities about what I would have to say before I die. I would take in what I would or wouldn't say and use it to analyze what isn't working for me. Put my priorities in order. Of course, I could just join the military if I'm looking for a more stable structure in my life. I don't know... I just feel so hopeless. Maybe I just have to understand that it won't go away. I'll just have good days and bad days. I keep thinking that I'm trying to understand the person I am and who I should become. But really, like they say in all the OCD books, recovery comes from accepting the unknowable. Maybe I'm not supposed to know exactly who I am, but understand instead that I just have to live day to day and hope it's a good one. The increase in medication is helping, though my therapist wasn't quite working out for me and I haven't seen him in over five weeks. I considered looking for one in Caldwell, but he isn't on my insurance plan. I'll talk with my psychiatrist to see if he has any other suggestions. It's frustrating to keep optimism in reach when you have tiggers surrounding you. With all this character rebuilding, you think a lot about things in your past that you'd change. I think a lot about my mistakes. Perhaps that could be contributing to my misery. Living in the past has never proved to help anybody, except maybe Marty McFly. On the positive side, Starla and I are continuing to stick through our troubles. It got a little scary there for a while, but I think we are recovering okay. She's been helpful with a lot of the shit going on in my life. She was with me when my dad had his surgery on Tuesday. It came as a shock to learn my dad needed a triple bypass. It was more of an effort to support my mother than my father. I stayed with her on Wednesday night to help her get some sleep. I would imagine it could get pretty uncomfortable when you are by yourself in a waiting room. I'm going to see Death Cab for Cutie next Saturday with Steve. Him and I haven't been able to do much together, so we're trying to make up for that before he moves to Seattle. He's been very anxious to get filming done, which enthusiasm is always appreciated. 9:44 p.m. - 2009-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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