christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's okay to eat fish cause they don't have any feelings They all said that it wasn't going to leave, and that you'll always be on watch for it. You have your spikes and then you have your moments of peace. I don't know why I didn't take this into consideration. I was always being cautious about what I did or was doing so I didn't trigger my anxieties. But I never fully gave them weight in my head. Which, of course, looking back on it makes perfect sense. Eventually the problems faded away and I felt I no longer needed my medication. And now I'm suffering the consequences. They say with OCD, especially my kind, your obsessions come in cycles or waves, and before you know it you're spiking like crazy after a year without symptoms. Such as my case. It's like having your head tell you that you're a violent/immoral person, while your heart tells you you're the opposite. Typically, it's easy to follow your heart, but my manic irrationality takes away any assurance that I had. I can't talk to the people I used to rely on about it because it put so much pressure on them that they felt discouraged about the whole situation. They supported me, but I put them through so much emotional distress that I can't fathom the idea of doing that again. I don't think I can tell anyone else because I'm sure they'll misunderstand it for me actually losing my mind. Which brings up an interesting point. I've had this notebook that I subconsciously relied on as a journal ever since I started suffering from these episodes. I haven't had to use it in a long time, but I found myself flipping through it for a blank page, ready to spill the lead or ink about my thoughts at that moment. A few days ago, I took some time to look back on those entries over the past year and a half and found myself relatively confident self-assuring as opposed to my recent entries which have become much more manic. It affects everything. I think about how I've changed in just two years and fear what life is going to be like over the next two. Fuck, I'm worried about just getting through the week. I have an appointment Thursday morning to reevaluate my medication and hopefully get myself back on a routine I should have kept on months ago. I don't know. This week in my life, there has been no laughter. There has been no joy, nor has there been any hope. Maybe I am just as fucked up as others will find me to be. Maybe not. 5:51 a.m. - 2010-02-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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