christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What the fuck is wrong with me. I had a dream last night. A dream that still scares me right now. I take them to heart, and when they appear, I think that it's possible that they mean something. Well, it was about my girlfriend. She was an apostocary in the field of witchcraft and she was performing some ritualistic resurrection of the dead. I was with her in the dream and I was starting to get freaked out. I asked her to stop with this witchcraft thing. She, almost immediately, yelled at me. She was saying, she's done so much for me, that she's given up so much. She told me that if I had a problem with it, then we're through. I stormed off and tried collecting myself. Then I started begging her not to do it. But she seemed to have her heart set on it. Later, I just said that if it means that much to her, then it's ok. I woke up shortly after. I still have a troubling thought in my head. I'm now terribly afraid that something is going to happen. In truth, I need Jessica. She is my anti-depressant. She's the one thing I look forward to each day. Just to see her for a minute makes my life that much better. I'm terrified at what possibilities might occur. I think that I would be ruined whatever the reason. I know she loves me, and I love her. And that should be enough. I just have this fear from that dream. What should I do about it? I don't want us to be apart. Never apart. We had a discussion last night about how long we expect it will last. Of course this shouldn't bother me, but she said that she thinks it will last, by how well it's going so far. This isn't really an answer I was looking for. I was hoping for "I know we'll be fine" or a simple "of course we will." I know she probably means that she has good expectations on our relationship and does not at all have any intent to deprecate it. I'm just that kind of guy I guess. On another subject, Robb, my bass player, is very upset with the band. He said that he's tired of me always being with my girlfriend, Shawn's bitching, and Daniel thinking he's above everyone. During practice, he stormed off in the storage room. I tried talking to him, but I don't know what went wrong. I told him that he'll have to get use to Shawn's bitching, I'm sure that Daniel doesn't think he's above everone else, and as for me and my girlfriend, there's nothing I can do about it. Though, I do believe that I've been leaning more towards Jessica than the band. I've come up with a new resolution to the problem. I just can't let my fucking concupicent behavior get in the way of practice. I must practice weekdays, 3-5pm. Afterwards and on weekends, I'll spend my time with Jessica, and occasionally going out on trips with the guys. It will be very hard, since I need to see Jessica every second of every day, but I will get used to it. Pretty soon I will be sacrificing something very important to me for her benefit. And as for right now, my song for her is complete. The song that had lyrics consisting of an entry she had typed about me is now finished. All that is needed now is a performance. I want the performance to be perfect for her. I'm actually planning a lot of things for Jessica. I have something very special planned for her birthday which is all the way in September, but again, I'm that kind of boyfriend. I also have little things planned for her. I am afraid I've been one greedy boyfriend too. I can't seem to get enough sex from her. So all the time I'm trying to put a move on her, then she'll insist no, then when I leave, I'll realize what a dick I was and I feel awful for a long time. I have come up with another resolution to solve that problem. I just need to stop being so damn needy. I mean, being with her is enough to make me happy for a year. That's all that matters to me, that we're together and we're happy. (and that we constantly kiss of course, her kiss are like little bits of ecstacy) That's all I have to think about to get me through. I'll only have sex when she wants to. I must depart from this diary for I am tired and I must see Jessica. Taa Taa for now. Wise quote - "You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends, but you can't find a word that rhymes with orange." - Alf (Special thanx to Steph for this quote) -Flower 5:34 p.m. - 2002-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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