christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Painting the White to Grey I'm acting like an asshole. But I can't help it. Right now I don't know any other way to act. I was very upset around noon, and I got very pissed in the afternoon. Last night, I had a phone conversation. With her. Out of all things I could have, and should have said, in the end, I wound up being a nice guy. ........ I've come to a conclusion as to why I'm feeling so fucked up. I have this new state of mind that, dreams don't come true. I feel like no matter how hard I try, and no matter how hard I want it, I can never be what I want to be, I can never be with whom I choose, and I can never live the way I want to live. No matter what people have been telling me, I'm still stuck in this hole that I dug for myself. I'm afraid of every girl I talk to, I'm scared about trying to make a career. If I had it my way, I would go to "El Rancho" with the band and just play small shows for the rest of my life. Why must I really be such a big fucking drama queen? I ask myself why I always have to set such high standards for myself, I respond, that's what I want, that's what I need. Although, with love, I don't set standards at all. I just end up with cruelty, incompatibility, or age. Well, I don't need a magic eight ball to look into my future. Will Josh ever get what he wants out of life? What a shock. Not fucking likely. 5:17 p.m. - 2003-04-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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