christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Celebrate we will because life is short but sweet for certain I am approaching the last entry of my diary, because I feel that somethings need to be brought to an end. Sometimes I would think that certain things that happened, things that were disasterous, or horrid, were because of me. The things that happened to me, were my fault and only my own. Other times, I felt that I would be punished severely, and I deserved what I got. I think this was actually around the time of my paranoia, the state of mind I mention in a previous entry. I wonder now what would be different if I knew then what I do now. I wonder if I would have been able to avoid certain events that wouldn't have caused me the tears that I have shed. I wonder if I would have been different. My character, my personality, my actions. Perhaps my emotions as well. I want to know how a human being could think and feel like this. What can drive a person to think that the mistakes and problems that they have occur because of him or herself. In the past week, I've been trivial about my life and what happened. I sit here before the screen, wearing a Korn t-shirt from 1999, pajama pants, and Jessica's pink hanes socks. I'm ready to tell exactly how I'm feeling...for once. In the past year, I have found a lot out about myself. I had been in love twice in one year. I had fell in love with Jessica the year before and our relationship ended in February. From then until June I had dated people, and caught interest in people merely because I had been in denial from the beginning. I hadn't stopped loving her until I realized that I need to move on. And I did. I finally got over my sick puppy routine and start to see life as it should be seen. Then I met a girl. A girl that was interesting. She opened up to me, she laughed at my jokes, and we had a connection that seemed inbreakable. I fell in love with her a month later, yet I was still very fearful of her. I didn't trust her like I should have. Those of you who might remember, I had been afraid of women for some time. Whenever some would touch me, I'd jerk my body away out of instinct. I became more stable with her, as I started to realize that she had become my muse. I had an amazing ability to write on cue and not produce pure shit, but something actually nice. She had become my serenity in a place that I thought was always going to be my hurt. When we started to tell each other that we love each other, when we started to be together, I had the fear that she'd leave me. And she did, but not entirely. We had gotten back together, and everything was perfect. Not just her, but my comfort was taken to another level. I was no longer fearful of what would happen. Last week, due to a misunderstanding, and climatic events, we broke up again. Last night was the first night in a long time when I felt that I deserved my pain. I deserved my punishment. I thought that I wasn't enough to make one person happy. I spent the day today thinking about who I am, and I realized that I'm able to make one person happy, I'm just not hers. As much as I love her, and I still do, we weren't meant for each other. I think that we could definetely make the best of friends, which is what I hope for. I said that I thought about what kind of person I am. So, here we go... I am Joshua Allen Moore, a musician who loves music with it's structure and produce, a drama kid, who loves acting and the actors who make up his life, a best friend, who might not have been there for those he needed to, and sincerely begs for forgiveness in those fields, a foul mouth, who loves to say the dirtiest and most controversial things,and above all, a romantic, that even though he might be vulnerable to falling in love, he still knows that everything happens for a reason. I am sorry if I have hurt any of you, because I can not fathom the idea of being the cause of pain. I am sorry if I am not enough to some of you, but I know now that it's not my fault. Nor is it any of yours. Any of you who feel like your problems are there because it is your fault, you are mistaken and couldn't be farther from the truth. A very important person once told me that we go through problems in life, thinking as these problems as a hurricane. All we need to do is just hold on until the storm is over, because before we know it, a beautiful sunrise well take shape. All of my drama kids, I love you and I don't say it enough. All of my mentors, who have taught me about life, I love you. And to everyone who should know that I will always be here when you need me, I love you. I figure I should make the last sentence of my diary something meaningful, so this is it. Life is always full of problems, whether you rely on God, or you have aethiest views, and these problems will scar and mortify you, but every problem has an answer, and every answer you come up with makes you smarter and stronger, so don't forget that though your problems are painful, happiness is just around the corner. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. 7:32 p.m. - 2003-12-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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