christ666's Diaryland Diary

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I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Lately I've been thinking about my place in life and the purpose for it...blah blah blah...and I've also been thinking about my regrets, my losses. I have a lot of those. I'm not trying to fish for sympathy, and I'm not trying to be warped in the melancholy that surrounds me, but lately I've been feeling....the worse I've ever felt. I don't understand exactly what my struggles are. I'm trying to captivate these precious moments, and they all slip past before I have a chance. I feel empty....I feel unbelievably lonely. I keep thinking to myself that there is nothing I can do about it. I remember myself telling me these things before, but I never really cared enough to take heed to my own logics. I feel insignificant, and....well...unwanted. I don't understand how the sight of one fucking page, one fucking phrase, in one god damn diary can make me feel like shit. But I shouldn't be as naiive as I am, she isn't the only struggle. I have struggles preparing this concert. I have struggles in overcoming my lack of writing capability...I think my block is coming back. I have a struggle with myself. I'm now learning that I hate myself more and more as the days pass. I loathe my what I've become. What have I become? I don't know if I can even define myself in any particular characteristic or personality. I need to know if I am making the right decisions. I need to know if I'm doing anything right at all. If I'm what I hoped to be....or what I fear....every other guy. Every other musician trying to make their voice and music heard. Every other guy trying to find the medium between love and hate. Or even every other screwup whose trying to make the right decisions. I don't know how I can ever compare to these incredible people around me...or even if I can. My diary is too full of remorse I have noticed. I hate to complain. But I need to type something....I need to get back to writing....

4:14 p.m. - 2004-04-02

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