christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I have a hard time comprehending the truth. I'd like to think I'm giving the benefit of the doubt, or maybe I'm just a little biased. I think that really, there isn't really what is meant for you...I think people just get lucky. They happened to be at the right place at the right time. Why is it, when you finally get the perfect oppurtunity, it is blown by the wrong place, or the even more wrong time. Actually, come to think about it, I guess this doesn't really ....dammit. I can't just spill it out this time. Donald Murray and I quote "Once you've reached the point that you can't write anything and your mind is blank, push yourself to write more." This guy is a fucking sophomore by the way...I don't know who to turn to in this situation. I think my friends are all a little biased in my favor. We're all a little biased. I just sat there waiting, and waiting. Right now I have the Hootie and the Blowfish song "Goodbye girl" stuck in my head. I heard it last night, and I heard it when I watched the movie with the same title. Irony...funny coincidences. I think it's a funny coincidence that when I realize I'm in denial and in fact deeply deeply in l*v* that my rapunzel, if you will, comes back to Caldwell. I think it's ironic that when I realize I've changed, and can give myself day and night without a hint of unsatisfaction...it's the wrong place at the wrong time. I guess it was really only one night of misfortune for me...yet, I guess maybe I was putting my life on that bet that maybe...just maybe, we could spend our lives together. It didn't have to be perfect...just as long as it was together. I used to believe in the ideal, "what if". What if you took that leap...what if we all pushed and reached our goals, what if our oppurtunity comes and we see the world. Maybe now I won't rely so much on "what if". Fuck, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am. Is it that? Do I want to say I'm sorry? Maybe...I'm sorry that I couldn't be the perfect guy before. I know you've had your share of misgivings from other people, and I couldn't be the one you could turn to. I'm sorry when I critiqued you and told you to have more confidence when you sing, you didn't understand that I was trying to say that you sing more beautifully than anyone I know or knew and you should know that. I'm sorry I was always concerned if you really loved me, because really I couldn't understand why someone so perfect would be with someone with so many imperfections. I'm sorry that you're probably not looking for anyone, and I'm here with a strong desire for getting you back. I'm sorry that when it seemed I was upset all the time, really I was just wishing to be more involved with you. I'm sorry that I had to see you before every volleyball or basketball practice, you see, we never really got to see each other anytime else besides after your games. I'm sorry when you came back for one day, I was uncomfortable because all I wanted to do was just tell you everything. I'm sorry that I keep obssessing over this subject, and now it seems all I can write any sort of song about is you. I'm sorry whenever I think about you and I become engulfed in remorse and emptiness, I find a quiet solitary place, and I drink until drunk is not longer a word to describe me. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I had a dream about you last night. It was rather incredible at the moment. I guess I've been having a lot of dreams about you. You were with me, we were laughing...I hate those dreams. Because when you wake up, you're left with reality, and reality is shit. Maybe I'm not lucky this time. What if...I wasn't lucky. I'm sorry, if at all you read this anymore...you probably don't need this shit right now. I'm sorry, I just thought that you should know I guess. 1:30 p.m. - 2004-08-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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