christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have a black fetish... In a week, it will be safe to say that I'm going back to women rejecting me. Jess and I are over. Which is weird to say. We're calling it quits the day I leave, which leaves the next few days difficult to suffer. What's the point of being together? Honestly? I think our love burned out a long time ago. We shouldn't be together. When you're single, you have a lot of energy built up inside to make another person happy. When you're in a relationship, all that energy is burnt out and you don't have anything to put in it. And on top of that, I think she's seeing someone else. Honestly, it doesn't really matter. I wish I could say that I'm emotionally shut down and immune to feeling. In reality, I'm feeling too many weird emotions all at one time. I feel a little grief. Some about us splitting up, but mostly that I've wasted a year. A whole fucking year here. I can't get that back, so I have to work double hard this year. At times, I worry that we're making the wrong decision and we should be together, but I think that's really out of fear of being alone. I don't have time to worry about that, however. With my grandmother, my new niece and new cousin, the band, the films, and the time I'll spend making up for the lost bit, I'll be pretty occupied. A whole fucking year. I still can't get over it. I could have saved money, I could have started school again. But I chose to move. Genius decision, fuck why don't people do this all the time?! I can say all these things because of my diary. The simple fact that Jessica doesn't read the last place I'm ever truly honest is a perfect insight to our relationship. She had the resources, but neglected the research. I've come to love this diary, as much as I hated what it connected me to. If I had actually followed through with my resentments, I would have thoroughly regretted not having this little thing in my life. I just wish more people would update. We've grown up. We're not 16 anymore. We don't have the time to write. I get it. Of all people, I get it. But, I'm still sad by all these once a month entries. Speaking of which, this August will mark the five year anniversary of Myagi being our teacher. What can I say? Some of the best times and some of the worst times. But, definetely life changing. I would say that for sure. It was a whole different atmostphere. I still wish I knew someone who had a copy of Harvey on tape. That was definetely my favorite performance aside from State Fair. I can't believe it, but the second feature length script is a mere 45 pages shy from being finished. It is really shaping up to be a beautiful film in my head, and hopefully with the right funds and resources will be my first independent feature. Speaking of "features", be on the look out this summer for a superhero short film. If all the pieces fall into the right place, I'm gonig to make a sweet flick. What I hope to accomplish coming back home is a real sense of belonging. I can't wait to leave this fucking place, and get to something more embraced with reality. As I've stated before, I feel a little unwelcome. At times, I feel like my friends are ignoring me. But, at the same time, I've been pretty busy myself. I just wonder if things will go back to normal. Or, maybe go to something different, but equally as good. Cherish the present, because before you know it, something changes. Joey wanted everything to stay the same, but Chandler and Monica moved away, Ross and Rachel got back together, and Mike and Pheobe starting planning their parenthood. Enjoy what you got, and don't move to Texas, and for pete's sake, remember the good times. 1:39 a.m. - 2007-05-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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