christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Something heartfelt I think I'm officially having my umpteenth nervous breakdown. I'm finding one new thing after another to worry about. I get new problems about twice a day, and frankly my mind is so clusterfucked that I can't concentrate on one thought for more than a few seconds. On top of recent health issues, I'm having to worry about financing issues. And what the fuck for? What responsibilities do I have? I have little bills to pay, but so much costly ambition that I'm actually struggling. It also seems everything I touch turns to shit. Cars, projects, relationships, etc. It's been a bad day. I used to watch Friends when I'd get this way. Needing something healthy to occupy my time when I got out of the hospital for my depressive habits, I found salvation in a fucking sitcom that aired on Thursday nights. It became a nightly ritual with my mother and I, as well as friends in the drama department in high school. Every Thursday night was Friends night, complete with munchies, buddies, laughs, and the unnecessary clapping during the opening credits of the show. But I watch it now, and something just keeps reminding me that the show has been over for around four years now. Four years and it's still hard to move on, because I guess I feel I'm losing my distraction, or outlet for good thoughts. I've been questioned once again about what I'm doing with my life. For once I can say with complete certainty that I just want to survive the next few years. Everything a person can do in their life is a risk. Throwing your effort into a future you hope you want is a gamble that I'm scared to take. Falling in love is a risk. Throwing your heart out there and getting handed back to you can just suck. I need Steph, but she's in Seattle. She would know an answer. I'm tired of risk, but without it I've got no shot at my dreams... whatever they may be. I try and do things on the side here to find what it is I want to pursue, film or music. I keep hearing nursing, and frankly I'd rather hang myself with barbwire. I like helping people, but I'm cynical enough without the bullshit state-of-minds that healthcare can give you. If it's not some blues-jazz song that I'm into, then it's an emotionally driven metal song with amazing harmonies. Or it's a new script idea about my family, or about the comparison's between love and insanity. Or it's even writing some orchestration. I have no control or even a real outlet for all the shit I've got going on. Filming is hard enough with the actors being unavailable, and my absurd procrastination. And without stability at work, it's not like now is a time to start anything. Sometimes I just wish I could stand on stage in front of a crowd and scream and sing about my grandmother's cancer, my late nights in bed I spend staring at a wall, having almost nobody I can trust with my fears, my susceptibility to disappointment, how I love my family, how I love the Beatles, my overall perception that I've accomplished nothing, sketching, fucking, women, and how I complain like a child. But then again, I could also put that on screen. See my quandary? I hope soon I can get over all this daytime soap shit, for now... courage. 1:36 p.m. - 2007-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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