christ666's Diaryland Diary

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When every Thursday I'd brave those mountain passes

I've found a new addiction in Death Cab for Cutie. I'm not sure why, but when listening to them I feel compelled to write. Lately the only other motivations I've had have been thinking about my dying grandmother, or thinking about my time spent with Starla. Lately I've needed some new music to enjoy, and thankfully I've found new access to libraries of bands. But while I feel strongly urged to sit down at my laptop which I have not touched in over a month, I forget how much fun I have playing music. I think about all the things I'd like to do with music and then I feel conflicted like I usually do. But for the first time ever, I've found support in a person I share my life with. Something I've never experienced before. While other women either brush off my hopes to be a filmmaker/musician, or tell me I need to focus on something more realistic, I have a woman who tells me I need to do what I ever I want to do and she'll support me 100%. She's even read a script.

I've looked through my phone records (which surprisingly date back to early November) and I've found that one of my dearest friend of many years hasn't talked to me since December 20th. I remember telling her that I felt like I've lost one of my best friends and there's nothing I could do about it. Maybe it was a plea to stay in my life because I've found I needed her direction every now and again. But as always, distance can put a tremendous strain on relatioinships. Whether they be your friends, lovers, or even family members. This doesn't help ease my stress about the new perspective I've come to adopt. Where I hoped that those timeless short moments of fond reminiscence would keep a friendship together, I see now that it's only meant for grieving over what you had in your past.

It doesn't only pertain to just friends. My family doesn't feel like it did when I was younger. But then again, what family ever feels like that? Am I that naive to think that families keep their common bond? We seem to isolate ourselves lately, as if we're pushing away from some horrible past that's not really there. What makes us so special that we have to push ourselves to a schism, when in all actuality we don't go through anything other familes haven't experienced. Yet we're deeply wronged or hurt and we can't just learn to forget.

I can't forget my best friends. And I'm sure I'm not forgotten, but I can't say it doesn't hurt that my call went unreturned. It hurt to hear Mike get a phone call from someone I've been longing to speak to for some time, and feel I've been screened out. I just want to tell you that I miss you. I just want to tell you all about my new happiness. I just want to tell you that I hope to see you soon. And yet, I'm voiceless.

And while I stress about the best friends I don't see, I overlook the friends I have right here. Like the ones that I can bond over baseball with, or the ones whose arms I can jump into in some stupid display of homosexuality, or the ones who feed me breakfast at their restaurant and always listen. Steve, Brenda, and Mike... I love you guys.

I've slowly gone back to writing, but nothing more than jotting some ideas down in my book. My problem is I have too many ideas for different flicks, that I feel discouraged about writing one and not the other. I'm too impatient. If I was smart, I'd realize it would take less time to sit down and write then it would to constantly debate my thoughts.

My grandmother's cancer is back. On her pancreas and on her adrenal gland. She starts her chemo again this week. I don't know what's worse, knowing my grandmother's going to be sick for another three weeks or the fact my mother doesn't believe she has the strength to pull through it. My mother is a very strong person, just through her ability to see the positive side of things, but for her to say this puts a very dark cloud over our heads. It makes me feel inadequate when I complain about seemingly trivial stuff, and my mother has to go through real problems. How about something a little more upbeat?

McCartney is McCartney. Ever so perfect. I don't know what else to say other than she's everything I've looked for in another person. And so far things are going extremely well. She's my new happiness.

9:09 a.m. - 2008-04-02

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