christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules In continuation from the previous entry, I suppose there is no real way to live a life in crisis except to accept the unavoidable and unknowable. And when you think about the endless possibilities of what happens when we die, it really does put perspective on the idea of living life, because it's the only one you have. The depression continues with waves of discomfort, and a dark few days previous. But yesterday was a much better day, and I've been much more positive through this evening. At work, the waves become almost unbearable due to the massive amounts of time I have to think. Being stuck inside your own head can sometimes be the worst place you want to be. Especially for an obsessive-compulsive. To recap on events during my absence from diaryland, one particular moment that was surprising was getting to see Stephanie. She came from Seattle for a few days, and I was fortunate enough to catch her on her last day. And on her last day, I called in sick and we made an evening together. She was introduced to Starla, to which she exclaimed was "incredibly hot" and would proceed like to have lesbian experiences with her. We traveled to the Flying M in Nampa where we played Trivial Pursuit and talked about my sudden anxiety and her love life. I've felt disconnected with Steph for a long time, but we had recently gotten back in touch before her visit. We're different friends than we were before. Perhaps, more honest and willingly abrasive if need be. It was sad to see her leave, but I am left hopeful for our friendship. An attitude that wasn't what I felt before. I've attained more actors for the short film, and I have one male role left to fill. I'm excited with this cast, and I believe that if I show more patience with the filming and editing process, and if I spend more time thinking ahead, I will be rewarded with an adequate, funny film and an entertaining experience with friends. A new, interesting passtime for Starla and I has been watching some of my metal dvd's in bed. Starla has never been much for metal and I've only had one girlfriend that had taken an interest on that side. And this was in high school. But Starla finds it interesting and entertaining and even thought about listening to an In Flames cd to see if she'd like it. She might not, but the gesture was very sweet. Her mother has started to develop a... distaste for me. I won't go so far as to say that she doesn't like me, but apparently she's not very fond of my "attitude" lately. When she sees me, I appear in a mopey or somber attitude, which is mostly because I'm about to go to the hell which I call work. It is evident that she doesn't tolerate other people's problems very well and doesn't see the warrant in my distress. She's become closed off to me, and her opinions have been frequently addressed to Starla, who of course has covered my back. I took this information with an open mind, and tried my hardest not to cast any judgement. But, I made my opinion clear to Star that I would not be apologizing for my actions, to which she agreed. I also stated that I'm not looking for her mother's opinion, only hers. Things were slightly resolved yesterday, so I hope that puts Star's mind at ease. But I still have that little phrase and state of mind that her mother has: "Time will tell..." By the way, Star and I have a potential name for our daughter that we might one day have... McCartney Audrey Moore. I've gotten in better with Jody. Things are going back to the old way of life. But that puts me at a weird situation, as things between Star and her will never be the same. I'm torn between my girlfriend and my sister. They're not putting me in this position, but I feel a natural guilt for both parties. I just hope things get better. They both deserve that. Especially Starla. I hope she knows how special she is. As I don't feel I show her enough. 1:25 a.m. - 2008-08-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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