christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- She's the half a day to your twenty four hour So... I have finally reached the point of desperation that I need to seek advice from a counselor. A counselor from the Center for Hope and Healing, who can sometimes make me feel like I'm being overly naive about life. So far, he doesn't make me feel positive about much, but perhaps it's all part of his agenda to get me thinking. But of course, the one thing that makes me feel depressed is thinking too much. This last week has been difficult to bear, as that strange apathy that makes me fear I no longer love Starla has taken over. Usually it begins to fade in a couple days time, but this has been lingering for a while. And I was hoping for some support and uplifting words from my counselor, but in reality, it turned out to make me feel worse. Well, maybe not worse. It certainly made me feel a little more speculative. If I didn't love Star anymore, why am I circling around this depression with the hopes of regaining my confidence in our relationship? It doesn't make sense that when I had the opportunity to call it quits with Starla during a fight, I chose to fight for us. If I feel reluctance to spend even a day without her in my life, why do I feel this way? This book that I'm reading helps detail the effects of depression on your moods and feelings. Perhaps I suffer what is referred to as Emotional Perfectionism, a condition in which you feel that you should be infatuated with your loved one 100% of the time. It fills me with confidence that this is addressed, but it doesn't really give help on how to detour these thoughts. What is it about me that has become so distant? I feel all "too" aware that I'm living. Not living for the sake of living, but just living because I have an insticnt to exist. Whatever happened to just riding the wind? Apparently I was this happy go lucky person who never felt any serious problems, and now I'm a hollow lifeform with the smallest amount of human expression left inside him. I hate feelng this way. I hate feeling succumbed to a state of mind that gives me nothing but anxiety. 8:40 p.m. - 2008-11-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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