christ666's Diaryland Diary

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Recuperation

Well, I've been back for a few days and I think I've finally recovered from such a bizarre trip to Arizona. It wasn't just the hardships of seeing a family member pass away, but my "illness" came about in a way that I didn't anticipate and left me an emotional wreck for nearly the entire trip. It's been such an eye opening week that it just can't go unnoticed and unmentioned. I was going to forget about writing my trip to Arizona in here, but I feel like I need to. Maybe so that in the future, I can look back on this and see this as the moment that I understood what I'm suffering from.

It was in the morning on the Friday before last that I called my mother after recieving a message she left for me. This is when I found out about my grandmother's visit to the hospital to which she wasn't looking to good. My Dad's stepbrother told him that he needed to come down, as this was looking to be the last few days with her. Her prognosis was very poor, and it didn't look like she was going to leave the hospital. I had a gut feeling that I needed to be there. For one, I haven't seen this side of the family for almost nine years, and also, I just wanted to support my father. So I told them that if they decided to visit, then I'd like to tag along. That was Friday morning. We left the next day.

A little bit of trivia to note; we flew in to Reno for a layover, and it was here that I gambled for the very first time. A Wheel of Fortune slot machine gave me forty bucks, and twenty minutes later I blew it all away. Gambling can really suck you in.

We made it into Vegas where I began to feel a low moment. Like I've stated before, my depression comes in waves. But, something that surprised me was my joy from seeing my Aunt Vicki arrive from her flight. To give a little insight on the kind of person my Aunt Vicki is, I could tell you that she was born with poliomyelitis, and had plenty of obstacles that she had to endure. But you would be wrong to say she was handicap, because that woman could triumph over any problem that came her way. She's very connected to her family, and does everything she can to stay in touch with all of her kin. She's italian, so you wouldn't expect much different. But, above all, she is the funniest spitfire of a lady, and doesn't hesitate to throw a "fuck" and "screw him" when she wants.

We picked up our rental car and drove for three hours until we made it into Lake Havasu. Before going anywhere, we made our stop at the hospital, where the ICU staff was waiting for us. She wasn't conscious, and looked worn and labored. She was intubated, and her very hypotensive. After about thirty minutes, we said goodbye and headed to the hotel. That morning, we made our way to my grandfather's house, where the rest of the family was waiting. We had a group discussion about what to do with Grandma, considering this procedure that could put her life at risk. We decided to go through with the procedure, and deal with the code status later.

We would arrive at the hospital, discovering that my grandmother was in too critical condition for any movement, let alone a procedure. Unfortunately, this left us in a wait and see situation, as all we could do was hope that her blood pressure would maintain stability.

All the while, she could still hear us. She was under sedation, leaving her unable to speak or even open her eyes, but if you asked her a question, she would nod yes or no. We asked her if she could hear us. She nodded yes. We asked her if she knew we were there. She nodded yes. We asked her if she was ready to go where her mom and sister are, and she nodded yes. The decision finally came to stop the medication keeping her blood pressure up, and give her morphine which would ease her pain, and increase her hypotension.

All the while, I never really expected a positive outcome. Sometimes I get the feeling that ignorance can be the most comforting feeling. After working in this hospital, you can develop a feeling for when things feel optimistic and when things feel pessimistic. I suppose maybe I was just ready to let go, considering I wasn't as close to her as most the people in the room. And that would become more apparent when we would all say goodbye. Sure it was emotional and upsetting to say goodbye to my grandmother who I love, but what really got me feeling it was seeing everyone else's reaction. My dad spent much of the time trying to be a rock for the family, while wandering the halls when he was by himself.

My grandpa and dad waited in the room while her heartrate slowed, and the rest of us spoke to the priest who gave her the last rites in the waiting room. My dad finally came in to a room of silence to tell us, with tears in his eyes, that she finally passed away. This was the first time that I ever saw my father cry. I've heard that it happened before, but out of all the children to see him, I wasn't one of them. So it was a bit of a shock to see this overwhelming flow of emotion take over my dad. But, like he always does, he pulled himself together and kept being motivated for everybody else.

And so, I experienced for the first time ever, a death in the family.

We'd spend the rest of the week trying to iron out details for a spontaneous funeral. (Wait, aren't all funerals spontaneous?). We'd go to sleep late, tired from the long days with family, and wake up early to start it all over again. But, the amazing thing was, as we mourned for the death of my grandma, we also joked and kept our spirits up by celebrating her life, and life in general. We have such a unique family that we could bounce back from something as devestating as losing an italian mother, and being able to crack jokes a couple hours later. I guess it was how we coped.

I felt the most for my grandfather. I've never seen him distressed ever in my life. But it appeared that every minute of every day from then on, he was using all the energy in his mind, body, and soul to keep from breaking down. He lost his soulmate of 45 years, and he was forced to decide between burial and cremation, herns and caskets, etc. It was our primary goal to keep positive around him, so he could use us for support.

While all this was going on, I hit a wave of intrusive thoughts, violent and sexual alike that left me incredibly anguished and tortured as I had no idea where these were coming from and couldn't handle the effect they had on me. It's like having your eyes peeled open to a Imax movie screen that you can't look away from. What kind of a person am I to have all these horrible thoughts? Am I losing my last shred of sanity by having images of throwing myself of a building?

I sought answers, and for a small piece of hope. I remembered reading about obsessive compulsive disorder and it's relation to intrusive thoughts. With the fortunate location of our hotel next to a Hastings, I browsed the psychology section until I came across a few books on the subject. And immediately I found relief, because I identified with almost every single page that dealt with Pure Obsessional OCD. And I was desperate for solace, finding it difficult between Star and I because of the distance and my sensitivity. I finally told my parents the truth about my condition, something that only Star, my sister, my counselor, and this diary knew. And when my brother came for the funeral, he found out too. Though I haven't been clinically diagnosed, I very well could be suffering from PureO Ocd.

Comfort finally came, ironically, on the day of the funeral. With the gathering of plenty of relatives, and my brother and his fiance, we finally put to rest the woman we all knew and loved. I gave a short introduction with the obituary, followed by my dad giving the eulogy. The service was concluded with a video that I made consisting of over 60 and 70 year old pictures, and music. For those that know me, you wouldn't find it the greatest surprise to know that I used the score from the film "Life as a House" in the background.

On Friday, a full week after the original phone call, I voided the plane option, and rode with my brother back home instead. I surprised Star with my early arrival, and realized just how much I missed her. We spent the weekend relaxing, and enjoying every second we had together. A much needed recuperation.

Being in Arizona felt like being in some sort of Twilight Zone, in the sense that though we were only there for seven days, it felt more like a lifetime. And time before the trip seems fuzzy and disconnected, much like how I felt about life. I didn't feel life, I was just existing in it. But now there's hope, as I know more about what I'm suffering through, and I have a plan to live with it.

My family is getting closer, and things are steadily progressing to a new state of wellness. And also, nearly 24 hours ago, my nephew Kannon was born. 7 pounds even. Jody and Scott will make excellent parents.

I guess things are still at a struggle, but rather than feeling depersonalized, I finally feel a little like I did before this started taking over. And that's a feeling that I've longed for with all of my heart.

12:10 a.m. - 2008-11-26

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