christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pressure Redistribution System Still living each day, trying to fight the urge to slip into a dark zone, filled only with anxiety and doubt. It's happening right now, as a matter of fact, and of all the places for it to happen, it always happens at work. But why not? That's where I spend the most time in solitude; sitting for some patient who tends to scare me about what my future will lead to. It's only fitting that the overly complaining "Christ666" has become an obsessive compulsive, fearing even a moment alone with my own thoughts. I need a change in direction, and a change in execution. I need strategy to effectively handle my problem, before I become reduced to a shell of a human, taking various medicines like they're candy. I remember the patient I had a couple months back, and I can't get the tremors of his body out of my head. Or the broken record laugh he had, entertaining himself. It haunts me. And here I am now, being a drama queen for the web browsers to read, revealing that right now I've become afraid of myself. Dark, too dark. Let's change the tone. I'm struggling, yes. But, there seems to be progress brewing, not just for my OCD, but for my creativity. I'm working harder at writing, and feeling more enthusiastic about what I do. Granted, I still hate working at the hospital, but the time it's given me to work on my writing has been great. When I do enjoy myself, my problems are miniscule. I'm savoring every moment I have with Starla, thanking the invisible that today has been a good day. I've developed independence. My father, who seems ashamed of our family's increasing psychological disorders, caught me off guard when telling me to quiet down about my diagnosis. It dawned on me that, though I love my father, I no longer feel the need to identify with him... connect with him. It's not that I don't want him as a father, or anything severe like that. It's just there really isn't much else to learn from him, and what he has to teach, I don't agree with. I'm able to disagree with him, and not worry about the opinion he has of me. And I find that comforing. This really is the only life we get, and frankly, I can't believe I've succumbed to questioning every moment I exist for some meaningless answers or relief. I want nothing more than to just "be", and I implore any who read this to live the life you have, and enjoy the simple fact that you are you. I might be a neurotic, obsessive compulsive, but I'm proud of what I've accomplished and what I can do. And I'm thankful for what I have. 11:58 p.m. - 2009-01-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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