christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vince from the Shamwow commercials is a pompous ass I'm enjoying the simpler things of life now as I hope to get a better sense of perspective. Things like making a sandwich and trying to cut it into perfect halves, or enjoying the read of a newspaper. I think in the past year I've forgotten how to appreciate the positive side of life, which is easy to do when you used to spend every waking moment in fear of some disaster that was never present in the first place, a foolish presumption. The truth of the matter is I've allowed my mind to overthink itself and turn me into this neurotic mess of debilitating anxieties and unfathomable doubt. For a while there, the disaster that was my psyche was pretty chaotic and I'm so thankful that Starla was able to suffer through it and stick by my side. She wasn't a constant support whenever I needed her, and she never judged me based on my newfound crazy behavior. I visited a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with OCD, and just hearing the words actually gave me relief. It was comforting to know that I just had a bad case of overreactions as opposed to losing my mind. I know they say that if you're afraid you're losing your mind, then most likely you're not crazy. But of course, rationality and reason are lost amongst those who suffer from OCD, and it takes a lot more than common sense to try and get a grip on reality. I've been on this new medication for about three weeks now, and with some help from self-therapeutic practice, I'm now having more good days than bad days. It was hard when I'd work on the mental health floor of the hospital as I constantly worried I was receiving a glimpse into my future. In fact, working at the hospital has been nothing but a trigger to my obsessive behavior, worried about contracting some unheard of disease and performing several rituals of checking for signs of infection. In one shift, I would make at least twenty trips to the bathroom, looking for signs of infection anywhere on my body. I had worries and fears about me as a person and the world around me, as if being afraid of living in an actual twilight zone that was inescapable. Eventually it turned me into a depersonalized, disconnected figure who just sort of stayed adrift in the current of life. There was no hope, there was no change. But obviously this was incorrect thinking, and Starla helped me realize that this is the only life we have and it makes no sense to spend it in constant fear of the unknowable. It hasn't been easy, and I definitely have relapse moments where my obsessions return, but I now have myself to rely on. I'm my own crutch and it's the best way to handle a problem like this. There is absolutely more hope than I realized. My grandmother passed away in November. We got the phone call about her being very ill in the hospital and it was urgent that we come and see her. I felt a sense of responsibility amongst my siblings, so I decided to fly with my parents to support my father. I haven't been to Arizona in over nine years, so it was a little worrisome about my role in the whole situation. We had no hesitation once we arrived to make sure we saw her as soon as we got there. The next day, we visited my grandfather and the rest of the family and discussed amongst her children and grandchildren about what are the appropriate decisions we should be making on her behalf. I tried to give what little help I could, but also tried to make sure I kept in my place. I haven't seen or spoken to this family in nine years so I didn't feel it appropriate to throw in my opinions. My grandfather was always a playful and high spirited sort, so it was a little shocking to see him in such distress and anguish. It left me wondering what kind of agony a person must go through to survive your loved one of over decades. In fact, this was the first time that I ever saw my father cry. It was a whole set of new experiences, but not any of the good ones. My grandma Ann seemed very uncomfortable and in pain as she laid unconsciouss on her bed. It was made apparent that she would not survive that day, so we decided to make her comfortable as she passed away in peace. My grandma Ann was a very special women, and not just my personal experiences from my childhood, but it was made clear that she was a caregiver to any that needed her help. She supported so many family members that it was hard not to think of her as anything less than a blessing to whomever she met. I made a compilation of pictures from the forties to the present set to orchestrations that I felt were an appropriate compliment to the memory of her. My brother even down from Idaho with his fiance to be there. Definitely the high point of the trip was getting to spend so much time with my aunt Vicki, who is a spitfire on one half of her personality, and a warm, loving person on the other. She made me laugh more than I had in the past few months, and being with her gave me a comforting feeling that I had family to support me. Arizona was by far the worst of my anxieties, but I had my aunt Vicki to help ease the discomfort. My grandma Audrey, who suffers from cancer, is actually doing much better. She just had surgery on Monday and recovered from that pretty well. She's moving around and has more energy than she's had in quite some time. Starla and I have been together for a year this past Sunday. I've learned a lot about myself during this time, some of it good and some of it bad. But, to say it was a bad year is an outright lie. Starla has been my saving grace through everything, and her affection, understanding, and devotion to me has been nothing short of a blessing. I'm so thankful to have her in my life, and I hope I can show her the same amount of love that she's given me. I don't know much about soulmates as I did when I was fifteen, a hopless romantic. But I do know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and constantly remind her of all the wonderful things about her. It's been a while since I've written in here, so I hope it's been a satisfying update. Hopefully I'll be more prone to writing again, but for now I'm just going to enjoy the simpler things in life, and read a Hunter Thompson book. 1:26 p.m. - 2009-01-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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