christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Planet of Hypocrisy We are a cynical people, living in a cynical country, sitting on a cynical world. Unfortunately, we don't know the characteristics of the universe just yet, so we'll just assume it's not cynical... yet. I am battling through more obssessive fears here at work, and I'm thinking all the negative thoughts I typically do when going through this anxiety. I curse the patients, the hospital, and myself for allowing me to be employed at such a disastrous place. I bitch and moan excessively about my stupid compulsions to wash my hands, disinfect my clothes, and check for signs of infectious diseases... then blame the sick for it. There's a point to this, I promise and when I get to it, you might agree. You see, I'm a poser. I try to be collect and suave, well educated in all things artistic, refined, and intelligent. Whether it's being funny to a friend, or looking smart to Starla, or even seeming composed in front of a stranger occupies plenty of my time, instead of just worrying about the real problems. Or even not worrying, and simply enjoying life for what it is. I came to a conclusion in my last entry that I was going to enjoy the simpler things of life, including all that seems trivial. As Eric Draven once said, "Nothing's trivial". And it's not just me. This whole world is full of fakes and the hopeful impressionables. There are few who don't consider themselves fake that aren't either completely ego-maniacal, or just downright ignorant. But that's okay, we're all ignorant to an extent. Some, more ignorant than others. I don't give people enough credit when I automatically assume the worst in them. I'm quick to judge, not by race, not by gender, or orientation, but by first impressions. It is apparent that I give everybody no fair chance. It's hard not to be cynical when you work in an environment like this, or in a country like this. On one half, we have the politicians who have convinced the older generations that there is no hope, and the younger generations that diplomacy is fiction. With bald-face lies that we strive for bipartisanship, many spit in the face of their constituents simply for the gratification of making one's voice unheard. There is obviously hope for both ends of the spectrum, old and new, liberal and conservative, corporatism and socialism; with change in the White House, we could have change in Washington. But it is not just their responsibility to fight for the soul of a free world, but also ours. Hopefully, we won't hesitate to do our part. On the other half, we have become a nation of reality TV, and can't help but look at the tragic casualties of every trainwreck they produce for the ratings. Don't get me wrong, the occasional episode, or even series, is excusable. My girlfriend is a reality TV fiend and constantly hoards the television for a chance to watch the disaster on the tube. The legit shows that encourage people to be charitable, confident, and strong to change their lives or the lives of others promote a sense of grace and peace among people. Others seem to take advantage of the whores and the lack of intellectual maturation. Did you know people can look for their true love and find it, three different seasons? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm angry that I'm a fraud. I'm angry that the world is ignorant. And I'm angry that we've become a society that laughs at the shortcomings of others, and flaunt our tits and ass to get a ratings boost. But most of all, I'm angry that I haven't yet learned to cope with the world's imperfections. Noah said today that it was unlikely that world would ever find peace. I asked him why, and he said it just wasn't going to happen. And then I told him the truth, "The world is imperfect. It will always be imperfect, and many people will suffer from it's shortcomings. But, we if we believe in ourselves, we will always strive to better ourselves and better this world we live in, even if just to make the world a little bit more peaceful". I accept my imperfections. I accept that I'm a poser, deepling inflicted with the desperation of acceptance from others. I accept that I'm neurotic and probably will be for the rest of my life, because though I may suffer, I choose not to suffer forever. I will learn to accept people for what they are: humans. By that definition, they will never be the perfect example of a perfect being. But, we learn from our mistakes, and that's why we have become an evolved humanity. The christian right, the radicals, the anarchists, the "agendas" will clearly be around to remind us that we are imperfect and flawed. Hell, they might even blame us. But it is because they, like me, had yet to learned to understand what it means to be human. There is no choice in orientation. There is no choice in who you are. There is acceptance and courage. The opinion of one's lifestyle shouldn't always govern the many, and yet sometimes we need a little more organization. We live in hypocrisy, so let's embrace it. We make mistakes, we fix them, we learn from them. What I hope to take from writing this is a sense of content at who I am. I don't care about my diagnosis as much. I care more about what I contribute to those around me. I care more about those who have been there for me. We won't always forgive the mistakes we've done, but there is always hope. And hope is enough to remind me that I'm not just here for the money, I'm here to contribute. I'm here to help those in need. Perhaps my complaints will no longer be in excess. 1:15 a.m. - 2009-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||