christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How was work today? Using the typewriter to complete essays or write scenes has given me a sense of comfort and nirvana. It feels natural to hear the humming and the bell ringing when I've reached my right margin. I feel more purpose on that antique than I do on this laptop. My motivation can sometimes be impaired by my psychological drama, but when I finally tap on those keys... it becomes music to my ears. It puts some resolve to the hindering thoughts that swim about in my mind. If only I could control my reactions and handle my tensions and anxieties. I'm hoping for more progress in therapy, but I'm afraid each session is just an hour of reassurance. Reassurance in itself is a comulsion to rid the anxiety, so naturally, it only provides temporary relief. I need advanced skills to control my obssessions. For sure, it will take time. Lots and lots of time. And it seems I have plenty of that. However, I do not feel that I've drifted with the wind, contributing nothing to myself or those around me. I've been hammering out essays of personal views or conspiracy theories (which I will not reveal for fear of my life). My chapters on the storymash site are doing average, which is more than I could've asked for. It's a challenge when your only writing material for the past three years has been screenplays, and writing novels in short progressions can be a bit of a challenge. It's so easy to just stop and call it good, but you always have to push yourself to make that little excerpt longer so that once it's all put together, you have a decent sized novel. I'm always afraid my chapters are too short. But hell, I'm not trying to be Orwell or Hemmingway. I'm just trying to fool myself into thinking I'm creative. I've also gotten back into music, thanks to Chadwick. It had been quite a while since I'd seen him and thought about paying him a visit. When we did, we immediately spoke about writing and music. From that sojourn, I developed that longing for musical output that I hadn't felt in a while. The next time we got together, we recorded a quick, jazzy cover. From there, we've developed just a modest library of Jazz and Folk, Gypsy and Blues. He had been working on a project with a twisted perspective of the Revolutionary War that he graciously allowed me to be a part of. From that, we are collaberating on the script and soundtrack for what is sure to be an indie classic (sarcasm). So it appears we've decided to develop a setlist to possibly play in public. What's significant and enjoyable about this round of performance is the departure from my traditional style of writing and playing that I've been hashing out in my younger years, i.e. this will not sound like Dave Matthews Band. It will also be challenging and educational for my guitar playing, as I've been jamming with Wick a few times now and I've learned a lot from it. I think the idea is not to push the limits of where we want to go, but enjoy a casual sound that relaxes and stimulates the mind with it's simplistic technicality. All contradicting adjectives, I know... but you'll get to hear what I'm talking about soon enough. That is, if we actually get this off the ground. I've had a hunger for books lately, and my paperbacks and hardcovers are growing in numbers. The library has been a fun little tool, but with my tax returns, I was able to hunt down some of the books I've been meaning to by for a while. Political science, cyberpunk, pulp... whatever floats my boat, I suppose. The tax returns have also enabled a resurrection of an addiction I've had for a long time. This time however, it is not the comics. I spent hundreds and hundreds of dollars on dvd's that I've been wanting to own for years. But why wouldn't I? I'm a film fanatic and a pseudo afficianado... if I don't acquire the films I desire, then won't I become a liar? I know... rhyming is for losers. I'm falling apart and feeling fresh at the same time. I'm mixed with conflicting moods and emotions that elate and grieve me at the same time. I'm a very complex individual in that I am aware of my faults and imperfections, and yet I can't grasp the blatant solution right in front of me. My mind does not allow it. So while I have these new things to be grateful for, I'm still feeling disconnected and.... low. 6:43 p.m. - 2009-02-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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