christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen... My medication has given me a strong adverse effect of akathisia. It's come to the point where I can't lie in bed without moving my legs or arms around. Sitting in a car is hopeless, and sometimes I wake up in extreme anxiety. It's funny how the medicine to help you feel better can make you feel bad at the same time. But I do believe I'm getting better. This last week was hard, but I feel that overall I'm better than I was. And considering I have seen a psychologist in a while, I'm frankly surprised I've made it without one breakdown. My thoughts aren't so existential as they used to be. I think I've come to terms with the fact that the unanswerable question will always be unanswerable. And I'm fine with that. I've I could just get these troubling thoughts out of my head, then I'll be back to the old Josh. That Josh was naive enough to believe his single life was depressing enough. I miss being so ignorant. I miss a lot of things. A lot of things I don't miss. A lot of people are asking about marriage between Star and me. It seems that the maximum age for marriage is twenty three and I'm coming dangerously close to pushing the "hermit" look. Nobody is satisfied with my lack of assurance. I mean, isn't that the point of having a serious relationship? Isn't the idea to spend a long time together to find out whether or not you could spend an even longer time together? I'm fine with where we're at because I will have been one of the few of my family members not to have gotten married right out of high school. Taking my time has been something of a virtue. But it does lead me to my own questions, like: When is Star expecting me to propose? Is there a time limit with her when I should have that ring all ready to sparkle in the velvet box? I don't believe she wants to rush into anything either, but I'm not sure if we have the same time frame for our lives. Before, I used to be the guy that LOVED the idea of getting married and having a family young. Now, I can barely keep myself together, let alone a family unit. In truth, I was thinking about proposing to her back in February. I held myself back a bit and decided to give it more time. A decision that has apparently made no sense to some. Except for Steve of course. Steve has always been jealous ever since we started this polygomist relationship. I haven't been given much of my sweet sexiness to him. But the fucker is moving to Seattle. What do you expect? I'm becoming hateful again. Hateful of our society. We panic at our president's time with "objectional" political leaders, and we divide ourselves yet again on the issue with torture. In all honesty, didn't we expect all that shit to have been going on at Gitmo? And more importantly, is anybody shocked that we were mislead? I don't want to get into debates about whether torture is right or wrong. I disagree totally with the very idea of torture and our involvement, but there is no sense in trying to convince a torture supporter who is right. It really comes down to a center of ideals. The same ideals that divide people on war, gay marriage, alternative fuel and environmental issues. It's important to know that we shouldn't be arguing. We should be conforming. That's right. Conforming. We socialist bastards are taking over this country and you all best assimilate or you will be discarded. Distraction, distraction, distraction. All I have are distractions. Fuck. Why do I feel like two people are living inside of me? 5:18 a.m. - 2009-05-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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