christ666's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adoration

Whenever I saw her, I seemed to check my instincts if the stars were aligned. Every time was equally satisfying and disappointing at the same time. I recieved all those natural sensations of adoration, but also felt crestfallen for not having the guts to ask her out for one simple coffee. I never felt too discouraged because of her infectious smile. She smiled a lot, making me feel like she was actually enjoying my company. It gave me an ill-fitted bravado that only seemed to last until she left.

"You okay, dipshit?" Anthony asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "Just distracted."

"What? Is Morgan here?" Sven asked.

"Right behind that glass door."

"Oh God. Now we have to put up with unrequited-love Michael. That guy's a douchebag." Leaf blurted.

"Relax. I don't think I have my bearing anyway."

Anthony gave me a look of confusion. "What bearing? You don't need bearings. It's english. You use words. You just share english words with her. You're not a fucking UN ambassador."

I contemplated this. Perhaps I could spark a meaningful event with her from some spontaneous will power. It's happened before, albeit, with several other people around. But... fuck, why is it that whenever she's around, I lose all strength in my legs and I feel like I'm about to collapse?

During this thought, I noticed another man approach Morgan through the glass door. Some fuckface had beaten me to it.

"Aw, snap. See what happens when you take to long making excuses?" Leaf stated.

"Shit! Who's that guy?" I started to feel infuriated with myself.

Sven peered through the door. "It looks like someone with a bit more appeal than you."

"Yeah, thanks for the self-esteem boost."

"Who cares? It's Morgan. I couldn't really think of anybody more immodest than her," Anthony said bitterly.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Are you blind? She carries that 'I'm friends with everyone' attitude with her so that she doesn't self-involved. She's got more vanity than a prom queen."

"Wait, wasn't she the prom queen?" Sven asked Leaf.

"I don't remember," Leaf replied. "I didn't go to prom."

None of us did, actually. Whether it was an act of societal rebellion or plain distaste for our classmates, we didn't feel it necessary to attend the generational praxis that was 'Senior Prom'. I believe at the time, I worked a shift at the local video store, Sven and Leaf experimented with their new gravity bong, and Anthony was only fourteen. Somehow, we never felt like we missed out.

The pompous ass talking to my future wife was shifting his attention between Morgan and the rest of the party. I made a faux prayer to powers higher than me that he would move along to some other girl, preferably one from the group that looked like Justin Timberlake stage dancers. The ones that were in the back of the show, rather than in view of the audience. I tried not to focus on what the guys were saying, but instead thought about what I would say to her. Politics? Religion? Is that what adults talk about? Music? Movies? This was always one of the things I hated about seeing people from high school. Nobody ever seems to come up with a more interesting conversation than what we've been up to the last few years. In the end, nobody gives a shit.

"This guy is pissing me off," I managed to say without seething. "I didn't expect him to have this extensive a vocabulary to carry on as long as he did."

"It's a concept that you have yet to grasp," Sven said. "Outgoing people tend to have the most opportunities, especially with hot chicks."

"Bullshit," I spat back. "Everyone loves Johnny Depp, and he's weirder than a meth addict in Oz."

"There's a difference. Johnny Depp looks like the beautiful bad boy. You look like Silent Bob."

This was the fifth time in two months that someone said I looked like Silent Bob. Grow a beard, wear a hat, and sport a black peacoat and this is what you hear over and over again. It got old after the second time.

I looked up and noticed the guy walk away, leaving Morgan to pour herself another drink.

"Yeah, move along asshole."

I few seconds went by before Anthony interrupted the silence. ".... Well? What are you waiting for Cassinova?"

"I just need a minute."

Sven swatted me in the testicles, causing me to buckle over.

"These are your balls," he said. "Use them."

I regained my composure, then began heading back in the house. The walk seemed to take a lifetime, as if I transcended to the ethereal plane, taking with me only a century's worth of neurasthenia before reaching the light of the empyrean. Every step seemed to carry the weight of the world, and I had no idea how I kept my balance. Why was this hard when I've done it so many times before? Maybe because this was the night that everything changed. This was the night that my new life began. Here are your dreams, Michael. They're yours for the taking.

I don't think there has ever been a moment where she didn't look astounding. She was equivalent to the eloquence of Shakespeare, the serenity of Tchaikovsky, and the magnificence of Titian. Maybe this was considerably dramatic due to my affection towards her, but sometimes stretching the appeal is the closest you can get to how you feel. Her hair was tied to a ponytail, but a few strands of her bangs came down over her thin eyebrows. The irises of her eyes were boldly dark, almost black This was intensified by her subtle eyeliner. Yet, because of her smooth face and delicate cheeks, she appeared soft and soothing. Her mouth was small, but managed to stretch far when she gave that pleasant grin.

I opened the door, while subconsciously inhaling deeply, turning myself into an example of confidence and romanticism... all the things I really wasn't. When she noticed me, she smiled that beautiful smile.

"Hey, Michael," she said. "I didn't know you were here."

"Yeah, I was just outside. How have you been?"

"Pretty good. Pretty good. Keeping busy with school and stuff. How about you?"

"Mostly working."

"What do you do again?"

"I'm a nursing assistant." Saying nursing assistant instead of simply CNA seemed more dignifying. I never said I wasn't selfish.

"Back in Caldwell? That's cool. You keep pretty busy?"

"Yeah, most of the time. How's life in Boise."

"Ugh, crazy," she said. "Trying to deal with my parents and classes and rent... it's kind of a mess." She sipped on her cup which looked like a rum and Coke. It was easy to overlook her distaste for drinking hard liquor and confuse it for cuteness. In reality, I like a woman who liked to drink. It showed a daring personality to me.

There was a brief moment of awkward silence. Thirteen seconds to be exact. I had a habit of counting when nobody was talking and it was getting uncomfortable. I tried breaking the tension that only I seemed to notice.

"What are you doing for a job these days?" I asked.

"Nothing right now. My parents are pretty much handling my living expenses so I can spend more energy on my classes."

"Right, what was your degree?"

"Foreign correspondence."

Fuck. Seriously? Everybody has to achieve bigger than me?

"Wow. And you're getting your masters now?"

"Yep. Not much longer."

"That's impressive, you should be proud."

"Thanks." She smiled again. How I loved it when she smiled.

Twelve seconds this time. I had to step up my game. I can't let these silences constantly occur and seem interesting at the same time.

"You see a lot of people from high school?" It was the only thing I could think of.

"Yeah, still hanging out everyone. I mean, obviously, I live with Mariah, Kevin and James. I'll go out with Kim, Steph, and Jess also. So, yeah. We still see each other. How about you?"

"Well, just Sven and Leaf. I tend to steer clear of our graduating class. Not to fond of a lot of them."

"Really?"

Fucking duh, I thought. Every now and again, I felt like she kept forgetting who I was. But I never held on to this, as she was simply my dream girl. It wasn't possible that she wouldn't pay attention to any of our visits. She really did seem somewhat intrigued by me, didn't she? She always seemed pleasant and entertained, laughing at my terrible jokes. Yeah. She had to have been somewhat interested. Right?

I thought I was right. In fact, my gut was telling me that tonight the stars were aligned. A simple question was all that was necessary, and the greatest love story ever told could begin. We would spend months enchanted by nothing but our everlasting devotion, and when everything seemed as blissful as could be, we'd float in the ocean of continuing romance was we got married, had children and grew old together. Courage was all it took. Ask her, you fool, I thought. Fucking ask her!

"So, you seeing anybody?" I asked, pretending to be nonchalant.

"Well, I've been dating Andrew for three years, remember?"

Fuck. Me. Hard.

"...Oh. I didn't know that."

"Yeah, we were the first ones to move into this place. You know, we kind of flirted on and off during high school, but actually got together when we had Calculus together."

"Oh, cool."

This wasn't happening. I felt I had no stomach, no liver, no intestines. No organs but the heavy heart that dropped through my ass to the floor as my dreams exploded into mushroom cloud of mockery and shame. How did I not know she was dating somebody? For three fucking years no less! Was I that blind? I could feel my skin get hot and my brow beginning to perspire. When her attention wasn't on me, I bit my lip as hard as I could to keep from yelling out in anguish. But this was just the tip of the iceberg.

"What about you? You meet any guys?" she asked playfully.

"What?"

"Do you get a chance to meet men at your work?"

"... Like, to watch sports?"

"Aren't you gay?" No, No, No... she didn't ask that. Nope. Didn't happen.

"Umm... I don't think so," I replied.

"What?? You sure? I could have sworn you were gay." She appeared confused.

"... I'm pretty sure."

"You weren't like bi-curious in high school?"

"Nope."

"Oh."

"What made you think that?"

"I don't know, you just... had that look."

I took a minute to gaze upon my clothes, reflect upon my walk, and question whatever I did for this girl to confuse my attraction towards her as displays of homoerotica. Was it easy to misunderstand? Leaf was gay, but nobody seemed to question his orientation. Was it because I was friends with him? Was being a liberal pushing me a way from hetero relationships?

The worst of these questions was the most horrifying: Was she only enjoying our conversations because she thought I was gay? A possible new shopping mate to talk about her boyfriend and share gossip with? Did I turn into Nicole Ritchie?

"Well, it was great catching up!" I said with as much manufactured enthusiasm as I could muster. "I hope I'll see you soon!"

"Yeah," she replied. "Come to Boise and visit some more. I'm sure we'll have more parties."

"Great."

My grin was wide and full of shit. I walked away wide eyed and devoid of internal emotion. I was in shock of my blatant misinterpretation of the situation. All this time I've been pining for the affection of what I conceived to be the most beautiful compliment to man, and it turned out she wasn't only dating the prick with a six-pack, but also never considered me in a romantic light in any shape or form. Whatever shred of optimism I had collapsed into a pool of wretched realization. My life was a cosmic joke.

I made the walk back to my friends in a doomed, torpid way. They apparently weren't paying attention to my moments with Morgan as they all seemed involved in another topic. They didn't notice the aghast look on my face. Sven acknowledged my arrival.

"Well, how did it go?"

"She has a boyfriend," I said solemnly.

"You didn't know that?!" he shouted back.

"She also thinks I'm gay."

"Like, the way I'm gay?" Leaf asked.

"Yeah."

"That's not a bad thing," he said in an offended tone.

"It is when I want her to date me. Straight women don't tend to go for gay men."

I turned to recieve Anthony's opinion, but his face was hiding behind his hand. Based on his hunched over posture, and silence, I could tell he was holding in a chaotic laughter that even I would have joined had I not been so devastated.

"Don't stress, I'll take you to the bathhouses," Leaf said encouragingly. "I'll help you transition."

This set off Anthony's laughter. I turned to Sven.

"I'm ready to go home when you are."

I walked passed them to the gate to the side of the house. I reached in my pocket for my smokes, then sighed when I realized I just shared my last one with Sven. I passed the belligerent morons on the front lawn, cheerleaders and jocks preparing for their ritual exchange of bodily fluids and gonnorhea. They were all people I looked down on, but tonight, I envied them. They were content with who they were, while I, lonely and bitter, was left with myself to deal with. As much as people didn't enjoy being around me, I hated it the worst. There was no place more evil the the confines of my own thoughts.

I wondered if I could rebound from this setback. Yeah, Morgan was dating Andrew. But was it possible that I had more to offer than him? It was difficult to answer in my shroud of pity. Still, it was hard to let go. Maybe there was a chance. I tried holding on to this while I began deleting the past moments from my memory. I tried picking up my dignity, though whatever fragments remained I wasn't sure. It felt so right, that moment. I could taste the genesis of her elegant emotion. How could it be so easily taken away from me?

I leaned against Sven's minivan as a person lost in the adversity of existence. I needed to go home and nurse my bottle of whiskey. I needed to learn what purpose I had and how to change my stature in life. Maybe I could still have a chance to be all the things I want to be, and change everything I hate. It had to happen, or I would begin losing myself to a world of cynicism and loathing. But how?

How do you change twenty-three years worth of living?

2:15 a.m. - 2009-08-14

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next