christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Horrible, horrible tears of shame End of day three on my new lifestyle overhaul and I feel like I'm running on fumes. I had a harder time today following through with my daily schedule and admittedly didn't my creative output as I wanted. But I have maintained my eating habits and feel less hungry than the day before. Before I fell asleep yesterday, I suffered major hunger pains and settled for pickles which have few to no calories, but have way too much sodium. I figured I'd drink plenty of water to counter balance and hope my exercise and diet will help battle any cholesterol buildup this slip might have caused. Starla made crab enchiladas for me, and I immediately was afraid the caloric content would exceed my daily limit. I didn't really think through the situations where Star cooks me dinner for work. Thankfully, with all her fat free ingredients, I walked the valley of safety. But this diet shit is boring. I laid in bed yesterday thinking about my goals to become more proactive at work and it got me thinking about all the other occupations I had. I particularly thought about my summer working for my dad's construction company as a laborer. I can say that if my father had not been my boss, I would have been fired many times over. For starters, I showed up two hours late to work half the time. Start time began at 7:00 am and I drove to Nampa, usually strolling in at about 9:30. This was mostly due to me leaving at the same time as my dad, but arriving at my girlfriend's at the time to lay down and either sleep or cuddle. Funny thing was, when I wasn't two hours tardy, I was still half an hour behind. A supervisor even made a point to tell me that work starts at 7, and yet I still managed to keep from being punctual. He never brought it up again, probably figuring it wasn't worth dealing with. Then I'd drive back to Caldwell for lunch on occasion, sometimes heading to my girlfriend's for the dance with no pants, or to eat at a restaurant that was only in town. This usually made me absent from work for about and hour and a half. Sometimes I'd spend lengths of time in the outdoor bathrooms, or I'd lay down in the back of the car I was driving out in the parking lot for 30 minutes. There was one time that my dad caught me doing something, of which I can't remember... Perhaps showing up at 10:00 in the morning or playing on old pixelated game on a cell phone from the year 2000 while hiding from other employees. He told me he should have fired me, and that honestly would have been the ultimate reward... but I suppose I was afraid of confrontation a little too much and didn't want to further push the situation. I ended up still working through the summer and hated every minute of it. With my saved paychecks, however, I did end up mostly paying for a car that lasted me a couple years, and was able to buy stuff for my girlfriend and take her on dates and stuff. Though the most I could remember would be driving to Wendy's for a Classic Double with Bacon. Speaking of being afraid of confronting the uncomfortable, I remember covering for a friend in senior year of high school when he threw a metal spike toward the stage during an assembly. Striking the principal square in the face warranted his following anger and he questioned the likely perpetrator in the lunchroom. Me, trying to be a good pal, said he didn't do... which served nothing when the fuck admitted to it after all. The principal took me into the office with the dead of students and interrogated me about my lie, which for one stupid reason or another I refused to admit to. My innards were trembling with unease as the school authorities were shaking me down and I had only a cowardly soul to rely on. After the boss was fed up, he sent me in the dean's office for punishment, where I... wept. I let actual tears fall down my cheeks from the previous scenario. The dean gave me a such a funny look of disapproval, disgust and pity while he handed me a tissue to wipe my watery beads of shame. Thinking about it now makes me smile, and I can't help but wonder when the backbone grew, if one ever did. I definitely don't feel as cowardly as I did so I suppose I have that to be thankful for. I ended up transforming myself from a dirty, baggy clothes wearing imbecile to a presentable, semi-respectable teen. I actually felt pretty good about myself after that point, though I was still cluttered with misguided senses of wisdom and chivalry. I still pined over another ex-girlfriend of four months (which strangely ended up lasting a few years), missed opportunities with new females, and had a warped view of the way my romantic life should have been. This mentality actually lasted until I moved back from Texas when I took an introspective look into who I was as a person and decided I didn't like all that was there. I stated a few years earlier in an entry that I took cues from John Goodman's Dan Connor and hoped to treat women with the same devotion and honesty that he did, albeit without the cheating stuff in the last season. I'm hoping to update more during my time off work, but it's possible I'll miss a day or two. But until then, here's to opening windows to the past and humorous musings of things that was and might have been. 4:23 a.m. - 2012-01-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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