christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My head feels like a glory hole, and your shrill voice is like a rock hard cock I've hit a wall that feels impossible to climb. The latter half of the week was spent in extreme anticipation for the next podcast we were to record. The days were relatively uneventful, aside from my efforts to stay active and avoid any banal moments, whether it be running errands for my mother or sitting in a chair and practicing guitar. I stayed close enough to my diet to not feel regretful of the unhealthier foods that I ate. Then, Saturday comes and I couldn't be more excited. I spend the morning with my mother at the Treasure Valley flea market where I require comic books and a NES game. I drop Mom off at her house and I pick up the equipment necessary before heading over to pick up Steve from a bar. The goal is to meet over at Mike's as he decides he wants to do the podcast after the football game that him and Steve are both into. I've been willing to drive to Boise and arrange rides for anyone involved so that I can make sure an episode will be recorded. The game is over and the guys are happy. Mike is drunk and Steve may or may not be inhibited by weed, but we start setting up. I had an unprecedented difficulty mixing the volumes and levels of the mics we were using and spend a decent amount of time wondering why this machine is besting me. I finally get it to an acceptable level and hope that I can edit sound later. As we record, a lot of the next hour became disjointed and unfocused, due to the t.v. screen still displaying football and various conversations being carried by people outside the microphone radius. Mike does what he can to stay active in the discussion and the jokes are plenty, but overall the enthusiasm was absent and I couldn't help but feel I was wasting everybody's time. The more I think about it, the more I see that it wasn't all worthless, it just frustrates me that this is the level of quality that I experienced. I don't know if their hearts just weren't in it, or the priority was downgraded. Needless to say, I was disappointed. So much so, that I felt angry and defeated for the wasted night. I just want to give it the best I can and hope the people that do it with me follow suit. My momentum felt deflated the rest of the night and I spent the whole day today feeling that the point was lost. I don't feel as confident about my goals considering my overdependence on factors that are beyond my control. I don't know, I feel ridiculous for reacting this way. I felt a little better after my band pratice today, feeling satisfied at our accomplishments for the session. Now, I just feel like I need to decompress. The entire evening I felt anxious and irritable, pressured over menial work duties and bitterness over the drama of my perception of self entitlement. I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open in this office. I let my fingers tap away while I slink into the office chair and feel my eyes sinking towards my mouth. How do I regain the pace? What do I do to get me back on the wagon and push myself into the amped energy I had a week ago? Questions... 5:12 a.m. - 2012-01-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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