christ666's Diaryland Diary

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kids

Lots of anxiety, lots of fatigue. I never thought I'd be the kind of parent that stressed over what his kids did as teenagers, but having missed the warning of the nerve-racking responsibility that comes with parenting such youths, I've found myself obsessed with what they are doing and whether they are staying out of trouble at all times. If they stay at a friends house, or stomp around in the house late at night, I instantly conjure all the nefarious deeds they could be doing in that moment. I work night shift, so early in the week I sleep during the day, and anytime I hear the door open from them coming home from school, my nerves jolt my conscious to a state of alert, unable to relax and fall back asleep. I'm losing sleep over what my stepkids may be doing.

I don't really have much reason to suspect them of wrongdoing, beyond what other teenagers exhibit that is. I've caught them both in lies and have had to discipline their behavior (both hard tasks not being related to them) and all times were resolved with relative peace. But it still doesn't stop me from worrying about them making the right choices.

Father's day last year, I lamented to Star about how I don't think I'll ever mean much to those kids lives. I knew that I would never be a replacement for their respective fathers, and I didn't want to be, but I did at least want to be someone they could count on for support and advice. When the day came and went and I didn't hear anything from the two, it made me feel sad that I wouldn't have a connection with them that they'd interpret as paternal. I mean, I've always tried to be a surrogate dad for Noah, considering his wasn't in his life for a while, but over time, I felt like he never wanted to accept me in that position. Then, his dad wanted to see him more, which I encouraged (to my regret). Him and his dad got into a physical altercation almost a year ago, and the kid's been with us full time since. Meanwhile, Katie always put her dad on a pedestal, no matter how dickish or manipulative he was. Her mom and dad have joint custody, with most of her time being spent at his place, but he's kicked her out so many times over completely benign reasons that she's resorted to living with us full time as well, just to get a sense of welcoming in her life.

So now, I have two 16 year olds I'm responsible for, all the time. And it's hard. Sometimes it's really hard. We try to make them understand when they've made bad choices, but do it in a sane and rational way that sometimes bewilders the kids, who are used to much more hostile and vulgar ways of dealing with things. In the last year, I've had to be more of a father than a stepdad probably should be, and it's given me some pretty rewarding moments of that paternal satisfaction. I don't know what light they look at me in, but it's those moments that make me feel like our parenting works, and it's the closest I'll get to the feeling of them saying "Happy Father's Day". I think they understand and know I'm here for them, and that's enough for me.

1:45 a.m. - 2016-02-16

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