christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fucking years goes by too damn fast Well hot damn! I guess I still keep going back to the well, expecting some outpouring of eloquence to just flow through my fingers as I try to cover what's been going on the last few months. Or year.... Or shit.... Two years?! That's how long it's been since I've updated this trash? Jesus. Why do I bother? Because I hope someone I went to school with is still reading. Because I've been writing in this thing by varying degree for the last 16 or 17 years. Because I want to get back into writing, I guess. I don't know. Here's the juicy stuff... I'm getting a divorce. After being with Starla for ten years, we're calling it quits. There's a whole list of reasons why, but to sum it up... we've grown into two completely different people. Our interests, priorities, morals, etc. have all diverged into separate categories, and it's become too much to reconcile. My relationship with Noah is non existent, and frankly, I'm tired of wanting more out of a marriage, and I think she feels the same. There hasn't been a lot of animosity, aside from the occasional fight that she'll start over some arbitrary issue, and dealing with divorce papers and splitting up our belongings has been relatively painless. The shit part? We're still living together, and probably will until I can get the house refinanced. She's kept the upstairs mostly to herself and Noah, while I've claimed the basement. And to counteract the morosely tense atmosphere, I've gotten a dog named Mojo to keep me company, much to Starla's ire. After a few months of separation, I signed up for Tinder and Okcupid... because apparently, my romantic life hasn't been enough of an embarrassment. I've gone on a couple dates, hung out with some girls, and already my neurosis is complicating what should be a casual and fun period in my life. For one, It's really easy to meet people you don't want to see a second time, and online dating should make it easier to completely ghost on the acquaintances you meet, but I feel guilty for not being interested, and can't stop communicating with said persons for fear of hurting their feelings. Another example, I met a girl I dig a lot... plays video games, gorgeous, and makes me laugh... and already, I get a little disappointed when I don't hear from her. What the fuck? I haven't even gotten divorced yet, and I'm acting clingy over someone? Sleeping with her complicated matters, I'm sure, and being so used to having that flirtation and intimacy on a daily basis probably created a vacuum of affection that I need to work on. Add my depression to the mix... *smh But, I think it's getting better. The last few weeks were the worst: preparing the divorce papers and filing them, going through old sentimental effects and totems, feeling like I'm not worth interacting with other human beings... Divorce can be lonely, and I don't really have people that I want to talk to about it. I have people I could rely on... I just don't feel comfortable talking to so many people nowadays, that the real lifeline I have for that stuff lives in fucking Seattle. That actually was one of the most depressing realizations of the past couple weeks that really sent me into a dark spiral... Understanding that I'm not just losing my wife, I'm losing my best friend. The one thing that Starla and I used to have before all this bullshit was our ability to communicate with each other and talk about our feelings. Somewhere along the way, we couldn't do that anymore, and ever since... there's a lot of things I wanna talk about and work through, and I just can't. It's been hard, but I haven't overtly despaired just yet. The bands are staying somewhat productive, and I'm slowly taking control of my life and my house. Things are just gonna take time. There's a lot of things I need to figure out for myself. So hopefully, coming back to this stupid page will help me do just that. 10:25 p.m. - 2018-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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