christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Petty. Unsafe. Exhausting. Stressed. Wow. Like... Holy shit, wow. It's been two days and I still can't get these words out of my head. It's almost comical how much of a complete 180 this has turned into, and how I was so fucking stupid to think so optimistically. I'm torn. I want to use this as a real diary. I want to unburden myself of these thoughts and put to words the heartache I'm feeling right now. But, she can read this. Maybe I lock the diary. But, should I be afraid of the transparency and just say what I'm feeling? Will locking her out seem vindictive? I could just tell her face to face. I don't know. I don't think I can look at her without crying. Wednesday night, I listened to this message... this voice recording that was nearly twenty minutes long... and I wept. I sobbed in the dark, on my couch, as quietly as I could so I couldn't wake anybody in the house. The next day, I'd stare off into space thinking about the words she said, and I'd tear up again. Sophie noticed and asked what was wrong. I tried to explain it as simply as I could, that I had done something wrong, that it was my fault, and that she was really angry. She tried to make me feel better, and in a way she did. Of course, then she told everybody that would listen that I was crying over my friend. Man alive. Seriously. I get a notification that the recording is shared with me, and apparently it seems like something important that she's self conscious to share. What could it be? Music she's written? Another fun, lengthy message about what she's doing and the thoughts she felt like sharing? A confession of secret feelings? She called me I assume to talk about it, but I shared with her the news I had received that's got me so fucked up, and she thought it better to not bring it up and for me to listen to this message instead. So, natch, I carry on with phone call like a humored friend listening to her stories of work, looking like a complete idiot. Why an idiot? Because when I get back to my computer, and play the recording, eagerly awaiting what could be so important to share at 2 something in the morning, what I instead hear crushes me and breaks my heart. Not just for the anger at what I did, which I own up to, even if I never realized how serious it was or that I never meant to hurt her, but also because apparently, my friendship appears to be a burden. It's an oversimplification, but I think the sentiments are the same nevertheless. This completely blew up in my face. And I think the worst part is that it's just another consequence of choices I've made. Not just the thing I did that hurt her so, but so many other things, like my selfish need for a close friend that lead me to desire the friendship we used to have almost twenty years ago. Ultimately, I need to tell her how I feel. I told her I was genuinely sorry for what I did and tried to let her know I acknowledged how I took a moment from her that could have been cherished forever. I didn't address any of the other things she said. I couldn't. It was hard enough to get myself out of my chair and onto the couch where I cycled through bouts of sobs for the next three hours. Part of me feels like I deserve this, though that part is the one that's always stepping on my dick and putting me down. It's been getting louder and louder these past few years. But the other part knows there's good in me to be recognized and that I deserve a friend to count on. I haven't always been the best, but I've tried to be there when people have needed me. Fuck. I just deleted a whole emotionally charged proclamation/diatribe that I just can't put out there. Not now. Probably not ever. Maybe this is the time I finally say goodbye to this site and close the doors forever. Kill the boy, and let the man be born. Who are we kidding. We know I'd be back eventually. 4:16 a.m. - 2021-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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