christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Joy Things are still feeling pretty dark. But, rather than dwell on the things falling apart, I thought I'd write about the things that are bringing me joy. Otherwise I might start spiraling downward, and end up glued in sadness. Hands down, the two people bringing me the most joy in my life are my children. I don't know why, but I've always had a hard time calling Sophie my daughter to other people. Maybe because it felt like I don't deserve it, or because it hadn't been that long that I'd been in her life. She's an amazing little girl, who craves interaction with other people, and loves to tell people how much she loves them. She would repeatedly ask me if I was going to be her dad, or if I could be her dad, and every time she asked, I kept telling her I'd always be somebody she could count on, because I didn't want to tell her something that could possibly be taken away if things didn't work out with her mother. But I so desperately wanted to be her father. How could I not? There is definitely a spirit about her that is unlike most children, and between her intelligence and character, it's hard not to want to be somebody that can nurture that spirit into a wonderful young woman. My brother gave her a pair of camo converse shoes with pink trim, and she was ecstatic over them. But up until that point, all of her shoes were just slip-ons or velcro strapped. So, naturally, I sat down with her and taught her how to tie her shoelaces. She would not stop trying until she had it nailed, which took her a little under an hour. I believe I was about her age when I first learned to tie my shoes, and I was such a dumbfuck, it took me probably weeks before I could do it all on my own. Not this kid. She was so proud of herself. I was so proud of her. The way her smile beamed at me when she tied both shoes perfectly made me feel like a father, and there have been so many similar moments that I don't have any hesitation calling her my daughter. I tell her all the time how lucky I am to be her dad. She always hugs me and tells me, "me too." When Lucas was born, I cried. He was my biological firstborn, and while I thought I'd remain relatively unemotional during the delivery, I instead subtly wept at this gift I had been handed. I used to fucking hate when people would tell me stories of how touched and fulfilled people got when they had kids, mostly because it's all been overstated and cliché. Of course, clichés exist for a reason, and now I see exactly what people are talking about as I see this life that used to be the size of a sunflower seed now smile and giggle every time I blow him kisses while I leave for work. When I pick him up from his crib first thing in the morning, I wrap my arms around him and kiss his forehead. He in turn rests his head on my shoulders, and pats my back gently. When he's mad, he loudly babbles directly at you to vent his frustrations. Every time I hear him cry, my soul feels cut. It's kind of pathetic, really. The amount of sappy love I feel when he waddle-runs towards me with his arms stretching out is so saccharine, I should be embarrassed at how much of a hypocrite I've become for rolling my eyes at the parents I ridiculed before. He also looks exactly like me as a baby, albeit with blue eyes. I'm anxious to see how he grows, not just to see my likeness in him, but to hopefully help him be better than the man I've become. I hope I do things right. I will say, I have an immense sense of pride that whenever he's upset, it's me that he wants to hold him. The music has been making me happy, though it's been harder to feel inspired to write as of late. Mortal has been pumping out new music since last September, and the goal is to return to the studio for a new album, hopefully recording by fall this year. MSA still has the 40-Love album to finish, but we're also completely shifting gears and working on music that's of an entirely different sound. The stuff we're writing is this weird amalgamation of funk, jazz, pop, and hip hop, and originally the songs were born from jams Eric, Charlie, and I would have in Eric's basement four years ago. There were seeds of songs there, but all this time, that's kind of all they were. Just jams. But the last couple of weeks, they've finally started to take form into these solid structures that have strong foundations for music to be added. We're talking about recruiting a keyboard player, and possibly a female vocalist, but I'm hoping we nail down and solidify these concepts, so we have a well formed idea before bringing in new musicians. Steph coming back to town, and our discussions over our emotional drama, originally inspired me to work on a screenplay again, and even with this new friendship crisis, I don't feel like dropping the script. I'm quite a few pages in, but I've had to take a step away from it. The script is an idea I've written and re-written several times, and I've always had Steph in mind to play the character if it ever turned into a project I'd film. So, naturally, it's been harder to separate my anguish from the writing process, even though the character isn't really like Steph, per se. The point of writing was to process some emotions I've been having for a while though, so I'm sure I'll be picking it back up again. I guess I bring this up because, it does give me a sense of joy that even after all these years of scripts that have all gone unproduced, I still have some motivation to write them. I hope I can come up with smaller projects that I can achieve, and hopefully drive me to work on more ambitious projects, maybe even this story that's been in my brain for so long. Anywho, this was actually a little helpful. I've been avoid conversation and eye contact with people at work, mostly because all I want to do is hide away in a corner and feel sorry for myself. Twice I had to walk away because I could feel myself welling up again, composing myself in the bathroom or the breakroom before I can walk back to my desk. Still trying to figure out what I should do with this hurt. I want to tell her how her recording made me feel, though Hailey thinks I should just ghost her. I think it'd be a double standard. I need insight from somebody who knows the both of us. 2:11 a.m. - 2021-03-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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