christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The grubby fingerprints that kissed the walls have vanished In the middle of the night, I got a text from Hailey apologizing that I didn't love her, that she never realized that I wasn't in love with her, and how she was going to find somewhere else to stay. She found the letter I wrote to you. Found other things on my internet history. Essentially, shit got dialed up to 11 really fast. She was hurt, angry, devastated, obviously blindsided, and the next couple of days were almost as tense as the brief period I lived with Starla while we were divorcing. She suggested staying with a friend, or her mom, and that we'd set up a schedule for me to pick up the kids. She said I was just like her exes. Told me how much I hurt her. Of course, she wasn't wrong. Whatever justifications I have for feeling how I feel and doing what I did, it doesn't change the fact that I was a coward and never told her how I really felt, or that I was doing things behind her back, being a really sketchy dude. It makes me feel so trashy that I constantly envelop myself with this unnecessary drama, not to mention ashamed and embarrassed. I don't know what's worse, though... the fact that I did something to make me so ashamed, or that I'm mostly ashamed of how you might view me? Man, life is weird. I used to see it in separate parts or eras: my childhood, my early teens, my high school years, the Texas year, my marriage (which covers almost a third of my life so far), and now fatherhood. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's a bit surreal to think about how the earlier eras of my life are still affecting and/or interacting with today, like having Kort be in Mortal Ashes, or sending pictures of Lucas and Sophie to Steve and his wife. Or, like my relationship with my girlfriend being threatened by my feelings that originated almost 28 years ago. I kept thinking about you during all of this. Thinking about being single for a while, waiting a couple of months, calling you and maybe asking you out. I don't know... maybe I would have been a bit more romantic than that. I remember getting Great Western Pizza and pouring Barq's root beer into champagne glasses, and while I cringe a little about it now, I still kind of smile at how unbelievably excited I was for our first date. But, while I thought about all that, about what could be possible, the thought of not seeing my kids everyday was omnipresent, and incredibly distressing. I imagined Sophie tearfully asking her mom why our family was breaking up, and my heart shattered. So, I made the choice to keep my family together. I don't know if it's the right decision to make, I just feel like I owe it to those kids to give them a real shot at having a stable home, especially with one on the way. Besides, I can't imagine an emotionally immature, midthirties dude with a current/pending baby momma is very appealing. It's funny. We auditioned this woman to sing for MSA, and she seems like somebody that's used to a lot of attention. She's very beautiful, she's from England, and her voice, while timid and unconfident at first, ended up being pretty great. She was a bit flirtatious, and I think the guys really got a kick out of hanging out with her. But, on the way home after practice, I considered what level of attraction I might have had for her, if any, and I legit laughed out loud at a random thought of you telling your coworkers at the cheese factory to "suck your weiner." I got sad after, but it still was an amusing I don't know why I'm writing any of this to you. It's not your problem, nor is it really something that deserves your focus. Maybe I want you to know I still feel those heart feelings, or that I made this choice and wasn't made lightly. Maybe I just miss you. Maybe it's Maybelline. I really hope you're doing okay. 10:58 p.m. - 2021-04-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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