christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Big picture girl Projects are piling up, and I'm trying to stay focused and productive, though my wandering mind tends to cause problems. There have been some developments since April. MSA has had a couple more practices with this new singer, Chloe, and suffice it to say, the impression she's left has been unremarkable. She's a talented singer, in the sense that if she practiced, she'd be a fucking killer contender in pop, but she's not as educated in music theory, and her personality is kinda shitty. Here's just one example of the kind of person she comes off as: She describes herself as a "big picture" kind of musician. Whenever I hear somebody describe themselves this way, or wax poetically about their hyper-optimistic expectations of the band they start or join, I immediately conclude that their future aspirations far surpass their current talent. We practiced a few covers, three of which were suggested by her, and I spent many hours trying to learn and transcribe the songs to tablature for the other guys to practice to. The effort ended up being for nothing, as even her familiarity with the songs was spotty, and I'm pretty sure neither Eric or Charlie looked at the tabs. Eric has mostly been spending time with her and her other friend, also named Chloe, on their pop punk project The Chloe's. He's been helping them record a demo and acting as their producer, with Charlie helping fill in on drums, which doesn't really leave a lot of MSA time at the moment. Presumably, MSA will get back at it when this demo is on tape and mixed, and maybe we'll work with Chloe on lyrics to these new tracks we've been writing, but I'm not exactly thrilled with what I see on the horizon. Mortal on the other hand is still plugging away at new material. We're up to seven unheard new songs with one or two more on the way, putting us at a possible twelve song track list for the new album. We have a date booked for our 10th anniversary show at The Shredder, with three bands opening, and our Facebook announcement yesterday already has some responses and rsvp's. Eric and I have been talking exclusive merch ideas and things we can do to keep anticipation building. We talk a lot of game with not a lot of follow through, so I really hope I can keep the pressure on to stay productive. Sophie turned seven this past Saturday, and so we threw her a party. Only two other kids showed up, and I was worried it was really going to bum her out, but thankfully she seemed to be pretty well entertained. She had been asking for a hoverboard for a few months now, and while I was hesitant to get her one due to her small size and the age requirement being 8+, I thought to myself, fuck it, and ordered her a purple one that has this multicolored ring on each wheel that lights up when powered on. When everyone had left, I pulled my car out of the driveway, sat on my front steps and watched her zoom around with relative ease as she told me her disbelief in how spoiled she is. A lot of my attention with her has been pretty authoritarian as I've had to handle most of her schooling during the week, where the rest of my attention has been on Lucas. I need to take a little bit of time to do something just the two of us. Late one night a couple weeks back, Hailey and I were watching an old interview with Martin Short on Jimmy Kimmel, and he talked about his background with The Groundlings. I brought up Steph and her involvement with the improv company, an admittedly stupid move on my part, and naturally it turned into an argument on how uncool it was of me to bring up somebody I had an "emotional affair" with. This lead to a discussion on our definitions of affair, with mine requiring the criteria that *both* parties be involved, leaving my situation better defined as a sad crush. In our discussions, I told her the most of the truth that I could up until that point, which was that I haven't felt passion since my divorce, present relationship included. She thinks that I should do something about my depression, which really means to get on antidepressants, as that's been the only effective recourse for me. I tried to explain to her that, while I am depressed, and that there are many things in my life that I've been lacking in passion for, my disconnect in relationships has more to do with unresolved issues over my divorce. She still seems to think that trying the Prozac route might help just enough to get me to a place where I can focus on finding that passion again with her. Of course, all of this could be solved with the truth, but I'm just too much of a coward thinking about all the variables and possibilities if that were to happen. I keep thinking about what kind of person I am, and wondering what bastard would let himself get another person pregnant knowing full well he'll never love her the way he loved somebody else. I sometimes try to rationalize it by remembering her eagerness and willingness to get pregnant, which was more so true the first time around than this one, but really it doesn't offset my shitty behavior. How do you reconcile with yourself when you're a scumbag? 1:46 a.m. - 2021-05-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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