christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I'm trappped in a system of routine functions, beholden to ever increasing responsibilities, and drowning in thoughts of self deprecation. I've come to hate how I've turned out, as confronting my failures has revealed just how insignificant I've chosen to be. Maybe, my expectations for myself are unrealistic. Maybe, my expectations in others are unrealistic. I know that I have a particular worldview on life and relationships, both romantic and platonic, and often I perceive my interactions with people through that lens, judging what we mean to each other, while discounting the fact that not everybody shares my opinions or values. I know that one of my biggest problems I'm struggling with is my drop in impulse control whenever I'm depressed. Examples include oversharing personal thoughts or feelings, or participating in harmful vices; sometimes I just turn into a real bastard that just wants everyone to be as miserable as I am. It's really easy to embrace apathy during this pandemic, while everyone who cried tyranny over masks and vaccines are now dropping like flies and leaving in body bags, but it's simultaneously arduous to remain so petty and misanthropic when all the death brings so much grief, to families and nursing staff alike. I hate how I'm perceived, whether by things I've done, or incidents out of my control. I hate that I feel resentful for never being recognized for things others get credit for. I hate that no matter the effort I put in to something, there's always something better out there. I hate how big the world is sometimes. I'm increasingly existential, which feels cliche as I near middle age. Constantly pondering how pointless my life feels as I live on a massive rock in space, that in context, is really just a speck of cosmic dust amidst a gazillion other specks of dust, continuously floating through an infinite black void, until the universe finally reaches heat death. One thing that really has me upset lately is my complete inability to let go. I can't seem to move on from my mistakes, or my attachments, and the more I try to ignore what is clearly unhealthy for me, the more I anguish about what could have been. I wish I didn't lament so goddamn much. It's unbecoming of a gentleman. 9:19 p.m. - 2021-09-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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