christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo momma There's a young gent from the music scene that is now jamming in this new iteration of MSA, and playing guitar phenomenally better than both Eric and I. I met him when he was in a now-defunct death metal band, and got to spend some time getting to know him when both of our bands went out on the road for a west coast tour. He was 17-18 when our bands first started playing shows together, and now he's close to 21, strumming these jazzy/funk tunes that we've been working on since recording the album. Turns out, him and I share a common link: one that was revealed to me a few months back. Sometimes it can be pretty mind-blowing meeting somebody and finding out our separate existences are actually kind of like a Venn diagram, whether it's discovering an obliviously shared experience, or a relative we never knew we both had. In this particular instance, to say that my mind was blown would be an understatement. More like my concept of reality was nuked to atoms, and what remains is merely an acknowledgement that life is a cosmic joke. I'm being hyperbolic, but...also... I'm not. Let's jump back in time to the year 2007. I was twenty one, working in the ER as a unit secretary, back home after living a year in Texas with an ex-girlfriend, and hadn't quite realized just how completely fucking stupid I really was as a person. I was still very sociable, anxious to make new friends, reconnect with the ones I had, and was still youthfully optimistic about what romance waited for me on the horizon. Working with me in the ER was an RN that I'll call Samantha. She was ten years older than me, very pretty, and could easily make me laugh with some deprecating comment about herself. As a fan of self-inflicted insults, I quickly became infatuated with her, crushing on her while we developed a friendship that was surprisingly close and honest, at least for a time. She was a divorced mom of two kids, sharing custody with an ex she hated, and was on hiatus from an on and off again affair with a married doctor. You would think it was hard to walk around her with all the red flags flying in the air, but it all seemed like very human issues, so I never cared. I probably should have, at least a little, considering upon reflection that most of my serious relationships have been with women whose personal histories were train wrecks in some way or another. As time went on, we texted pretty regularly, shared our creative works for critique on occasion, goofing off at the hospital in between admitting, treating, and discharging patients. She'd tell me her insecurities and details of her affair, and I'd indulge just about any intimate detail I could to her, as I'm a chronic over-sharer. My crush grew, but thinking I didn't have much of a chance with someone that was so much more mature, I never really tried anything other than inviting her out to a bar to drink platonically with friends of mine. Sometimes, there were moments where it seemed like I had her interest, but I figured I was just interpreting signals incorrectly, so I never put much thought into them. That was until one night, I had invited her out for Wednesday night beer pong at Victor's Hogs and Horns, a bar just a couple blocks away from my parents' house. I'm not entirely sure how it got started, but there was a period of time that year in which I, along with my parents and sister, would hang at Victor's and play beer pong until we got too drunk to drive, opting instead to walk to my childhood home for my dad's breakfast burritos at 2:30 in the morning, and couch blackouts at 4:00. I can't completely recall, but I believe she was feeling down about her situation with the doctor, so I gave her this absurd invite to hopefully cheer her up. She was the kind of person to see the humor in drinking with a co-workers parents that she never met, so it didn't take much convincing for her to say yes. Besides, my sister worked at the same hospital we did, so at the very least she could talk with her the whole night if she felt too uncomfortable. It never got to that point as my parents made her feel welcome, and she had enough charisma to mingle with strangers. She and I played quite a few rounds as a team, tossing ping pong balls across shoddily made tables into dixie cups, swallowing Coors lite in torturous little gulps that tasted more and more like watered piss with each point the other team scored. Whenever I'd manage to score a point, she'd celebrate by wrapping her arms around me, squeezing me like we just won big at a craps table in Vegas. In between rounds, we'd snack on bar food, gossip about work with my sister, and mutter jokes to each other, acting like Jim and Pam from the office. My sister would shoot sly smiles in my direction, communicating her recognition of this playful flirtation on display. I'd just shake my head, trying not to let my mind get ahead of myself. We got pretty lit. We easily put down three or four pitchers between the two of us, and weren't able to stand for very long by the end of the night. At one point, her and I were sitting at a table with my parents, talking about the doctor in private, and she just sunk into silent, drunken tears. My father was sitting next to her, saw this little breakdown, and just sorta put his arm around her with a slight, reassuring squeeze while Samantha rested her head on his shoulder, a moment that made my dad say many years in the future, "Oh yeah, that girl was weird." It came time for last call, and by this hour, she had moved past her tiny emotional outburst, and was back to the playful, inebriated Samantha. Both of us were unable to drive, so my parents offered to drive her home, and somehow the decision was made that I walk her inside so that I could make sure the house was safe. I'm not sure which of us suggested it, but it was mutually agreed upon pretty quickly, as she said her kids were at their dad's, and I could just crash at her place. I remember it felt like we had a vague idea of where the rest of the night could lead us, but we still drunkenly pretended to be pretty innocent, while my parents and sister chuckled amongst themselves, knowing EXACTLY what was going to happen. My parents dropped us off at her house around 2:00am. I told them I was just gonna crash on her couch, and that I'd call them in the morning for a ride, before walking inside to check each room for intruders. After the coast was clear, I followed Samantha into her bedroom, helped her onto her bed, and said I'd just be in the living room if she needed me. She grabbed my hand, and asked, "Can you stay here until I fall asleep?" Believe it or not, up until this point I still thought it was 50/50 that something was gonna happen, and while both of us were drunk, I started to feel worried that I was taking advantage of her, forgetting the fact that she's ten years my senior, with much more experience than I could think of having at that age. It didn't take a lot of convincing before we were both laying on her bed, facing each other, speaking softly about our lives, our hopes, dreams, and things that made us feel vulnerable. Each topic of conversation, the distance between us shrunk closer, our faces inches apart, eyes staring into each others' like we were the only two people in the world. I made my move, and I kissed her. She kissed me back. For a good ten minutes, we made out with intense, inebriated passion, grinding into each other until we both couldn't take the tension that permeated the room. My hands went up her shirt while she let hers wander between my legs. Eventually, she lifted off her shirt and I unclasped her bra one-handed (A skill I have, no bullshit.) Before long, I was pulling her jeans off her legs, followed by her green, cotton thong, and I was eating her out. At 21, I probably wasn't the best dining at the Y, but I guess I felt confident enough at my abilities after receiving plenty of instruction and education on my technique from my prior ex in Texas. So, I enthusiastically went down on her for a good twenty minutes, encouraged by her vocal, and possibly contrived, bouts of "Yeah, yeah, oh yesss" and "Oh shit, oh fuuuuck", while discouraged by the booze, and my possible lack of technique, impeding her from having an orgasm. I'm berating myself on the inside, feeling like a boy trying to pleasure an experienced woman, as she pulls my head up to kiss me, saying, "You are amazing." I thought, how nice that she'll lie to me just to make me feel better. :) She then began undoing my zipper, but the inadequacy of my performance, and the anticipation of getting to fuck my crush from work, started messing with my nerves, leaving me limp and unimpressive. We kissed, she fondled, and I tried to will myself back to action, but I was just too anxious to take charge. "Maybe we shouldn't be doing this," I said to her, hoping a reassessment of our situation might bail me out of the embarrassment of my erectile dysfunction. "What? Really?" "I just don't want things to be weird." "Probably late for that." "You sure about this?" She responded by flipping us over, with me on my back and her on top. She slowly removed my clothes, and I remember wincing as she revealed my bright orange, Halloween themed pumpkin boxers. Thankfully, she made no mention of my ridiculous man-child underwear, and instead returned the favor by going down on me. Which was nice. I was so excited that all of this was happening, it was hard to really take in the moment and live in the experience. After a few minutes sucking my dick, satisfied she got the erection she wanted, she climbed on top of me, gently eased me into her, no condom, and started riding me. Of course, it's only another five or so minutes before I was desperately staving off my orgasm, clenching my teeth and tightening every muscle in my pelvis to give me just one more merciful minute. "I'm going to cum," I said. She kept going. No response. "I'm going to cum," I said again. "Uh huh," she panted. She kept going. Part of me was alarmed. It suddenly dawned on me how... not typical this encounter was. I was about to cum in a women ten years older than me, that I work with and see every shift, with no protection or concern for the consequences. But... you know. Sex. This definitely wasn't the first of my reckless, impulsive choices and certainly wasn't going to be the last. Her silent approval seemed to be reassuring enough, and her enthusiastic grinding into my pelvic bone whisked my concerns away as I closed my eyes and finished inside of her. She collapsed next to me on the bed, and after a minute of us catching our breath, dropped this into the ether: "Thank God, I just had my period. I haven't taken my birth control in a while." Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what's that now? The statement threw me off, so much so that I spent the rest of the night staring wide eyed at her ceiling, holding her in the crook of my arm as she slept, while I silently panicked at what I had just done. Eventually she wakes up, brushes her teeth, and tells me she needs to go pick up her kids, so she kisses me goodbye, and I call my MOM TO PICK ME UP FROM MY HOOKUP'S HOUSE. Embarassing. Anyway, later that next day, the concern over pregnancies and unsafe sex went away, and I found myself wanting to see her again as soon as I could. I texted her, telling her how much fun I had, and that I couldn't wait to do it again. I was so elated to have just spent the night with my crush, and was giddy to see where this new relationship would take us. She texted back saying that it was a mistake, and we should go back to being friends. Fuck. I wasn't really mad at her, because I came to realize pretty quickly that I should have seen it coming, and whatever romance that could have developed would definitely have been doomed anyway. Things were weird for a few weeks, until we got to a place where we could be civil to each other. I moved to a different department, and she met a cop whom she eventually married and moved away with. The last time I saw her was probably ten or so years ago. Cut to 2021. After one particular MSA practice last fall, we were packing up our instruments when this young guitarist, whom I've known for four years now, said to me, "Oh, I've been meaning to tell you! My mom actually knows you!" "Really? How's that?" I asked. "She said she used to work with you at the hospital, I guess." "Oh yeah?" Nothing could have prepared me for what followed. NO-THING. "Her name is Samantha," he said. My heart sunk through my asshole and dropped down to the floor. "Ohhhhhhhhh.....yeeeeaaah.... I remember Samantha!" I exclaimed, trying to fake as much enthusiasm as I could. It was at that instant, I suddenly realized that this kid looked exactly like Samantha, only sporting a beard. And to make me feel even more stupid.... he has her same last name. HER SAME LAST NAME!! I had four years to put this together myself, and carried on like a completely tik-tok'd dipshit, oblivious to the fact that I fucked this kid's mom. I honestly felt a little dizzy thinking about him as a seven year old, riding in his mom's van just an hour after she kissed me goodbye the morning after. I went on tour with this dude. I smoked weed and drank beer with him while we talked guitars and death metal. And this whole time..... holy fuck. "Yeah, she keeps bugging me, asking me, 'Have you told Josh that I'm your mom, yet?'" Of course she would. I do not believe it was by accident that she let this happen without... I don't know... a little heads up? I could see her deriving much humor at the thought of my discomfort as her son reveals this clever little plot twist involving the two of us. After everyone left, and it was just Eric and I at the studio, I had to unburden this news because I was imploding with shame. He thought it was the best thing he's ever heard in his life, triumphantly thrusting his fists into the air with laughter. I made him promise to keep it a secret. I didn't, and won't ever tell him the truth. I think I would be forever mortified if he were to ever find out. Instead, I'll just continue on silently dying inside while we write and play music together in this band. Should be fine, right? 2:23 a.m. - 2022-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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