christ666's Diaryland Diary

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Come wit' it now

I thought the winter was going to be a much needed break from all the music projects I had going on this year, but it's been a couple of weeks since the charity show, and with no music to write or tasks to occupy my self-deprecating brain, I've found myself feeling depressed. It's funny to think how much the stress of booking a tour and finishing the album was causing me so much anxiety, and now it feels like a preferable distraction to the menial and mundane of everyday adulthood: getting Sophie to school, picking up the house, making lunches/dinners, work, sleep, etc...

The atmosphere at the house is in a tense transitionary period as Hailey is finishing packing up her stuff before moving out in a couple of weeks. She seems in good spirits about the apartment she's found, but Sophie is obviously apprehensive. A couple of times she's broken down about not wanting to move, and I've had to reassure her that she's not actually moving anywhere, but that she's getting a second home. Not a lot of what I say seems to be of any comfort though, which is understandable considering she's never been separated from her mom for more than a couple of days. Hopefully with time she'll see that change doesn't have to be scary.

The charity show was a huge success, though every time I think back on the night, all I think about are the very obvious performance mistakes on my part. I ended up getting stuck in my thoughts during the set, and the neurotic trap proved to be a detriment to my guitar playing.

A girl I had matched with on Tinder and had gotten to know pretty well had shown up with a mutual friend of mine. We spent a good week texting back and forth getting to know each other a couple months ago, but I never asked her on an official date because I was so self conscious about my home situation with my ex. I was even honest about it, telling her I didn't want her to think I didn't have any interest, but rather I wanted the timing to be right, and she seemed encouraged we'd be able to make it happen, but it never did.

Anyway, when I saw her at the show, what confidence I had before was then transformed to nervousness, and all I kept thinking was, maybe if I do well enough, she'll be interested again and we'd finally be able to go on that first date. So, when I got on stage, I overthought every single riff in every song, praying I'd remember and perform them all accurately, hoping I didn't make a mockery of Tom Morello's signature sound. But a few songs in, this girl then begins making out with the afforementioned mutual friend, and it completely tripped me up. I hadn't even considered that maybe they were there together on a date, and the irony of everything, while amusing, was enough to make me fuck up a few riffs in pretty significant ways.

The reality is only the big Rage fans and the acutely sober in the audience would probably have noticed my fuck ups, but they will haunt me for the rest of my life along with all the other ghosts of my mistakes...

Regardless, the Shredder ended up packed with people, and we were able to raise over $1500 for the NWAAF, so I have that to comfort me, and hopefully the next charity show will be even better. We haven't decided for sure on what we'll cover, but it's looking like we're leaning towards White Zombie's Astro Creep 2000.

Sometime in December, Eric and I will reunite with Charlie and hopefully got the new MSA stuff going again, and I'll have something to distract this lingering negativity that's been brewing in my hiatus. It'd be great to get a short d&d campaign going again until Mortal starts picking back up in the spring, but that seems unlikely, especially with my schedule losing it's leniency once Hailey moves out.

12:21 p.m. - 2022-11-16

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