christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Swimming through your galaxy, starstruck on all of you... A week after the Knit show, I went on a date with an old girlfriend from high school. She was someone I was really into back in the day, and when we originally broke up, it took a good amount of time for me to get over her, both because of my tendency to get emotionally attached very quickly, and because she wasn't the type of girl that I had been used to hanging out with. She had reached out recently to show me a song that she had written, and brought up the idea of getting together to catch up on life. It's safe to say, after two decades since being a couple, whatever romantic feelings I had for her are long gone, but I guess I thought it was worth a chance to see if there could be something there, so I asked her out for drinks. That first date we got along really well, so we ended up hanging more over the next few weeks. She's a good person, a mother who cares very much about her kids, and clearly is successful in her professional life, but holy fuck... our personalities have grown very different, and our interests are at times polar opposite. Her taste in music is atrocious (some of the most bland, white-girl shit I've ever heard), and her demeanor is loud and cries for attention, but I think the hardest part to get over was the fact that she never really asked me about my life or what I had going on. Everyday, the focus was mostly on her and whatever drama she was dealing with that day. She became very attached to me in a short amount of time, but since she had next to zero curiosity about my life, it came off like her escalating infatuation had more to do with her not wanting to be alone rather than any legitimate romantic bonding with me. It was clear she was interested in pursuing a relationship, and since I had nothing to offer her except something casual, I knew I needed to end things before they started. As I was mulling over the best way to handle the situation, I got an unexpected match on Tinder. I had originally matched with this person almost five years ago, not realizing that she was the younger sister of a good friend of mine, and though we never got around to going on a date, I had always been intrigued by the idea of the two of us. As soon as the notification came up on my phone, I immediately knew what I had to do. The next time I saw the old girlfriend, I told her I didn't want anything more than her friendship and we parted ways. Meanwhile, I began texting my new match and started to get to know her. That was about four weeks ago and we've texted everyday since then. I had my first date with Heather at a coffee shop in Nampa. I was on time, and she was early, waiting at a table inside and writing in a diary, looking extremely beautiful. She asked if she could pay for the coffee, which I obliged, and we sat and talked for three hours, which flew past in about thirty minutes it seemed. She's a cellist, coming from a family of musicians, and she's a professional artist having done paintings for commission and for art shows. She's quite a bit younger than I am, but honestly she seems to have so much more experience than me, and I can't help but feel self conscious about it. She makes me feel insecure in general, not through any actions of her own, but from my self deprecating mind constantly belittling my worth and reminding me how much I don't deserve her. I mean, she's like way, waaaay out of my league, and while I've certainly boxed above my weight class before when it comes to dating, I don't think I've ever done so while being in such a vulnerable stage in my life. The date had such an impact on me, that I promised myself that I was going to do everything the right way this time, from being open and honest with my thoughts and feelings, to being myself as much as possible so that I know that she likes me for me and not some projection I've put out there. We made plans to visit an antique mall a week later before I had to go to work, but on the day of, we opted to just hang out at her house and talk some more, and maybe watch some trash TV. We sat on her couch, talking about the relationships we had in the past, and what kind of relationships we wanted in the future. We talked about our families, our interests, and our bad habits. There were so many opportunities where I could have kissed her, but I was so terrified it would be unwelcome or considered too soon, so I stalled. Not to mention, I had developed some pretty bad cottonmouth from my nervousness and the weed I had smoked early in the day. But those little moments of pause in our conversation were increasing, when our eyes would lock and the mood got flirty, so I asked her for gum and hoped it was enough to keep my tongue from feeling like sandpaper. We decided to turn on a terrible reality show, and after she flipped through the different apps looking for the episode to stream, she pulled the blanket off of the back of her couch, settled her body against mine and we cuddled together while we made fun of Bret Michaels and his hooker-esque entourage competing for his affection. I can't remember what exactly was said to predicate this, but at one point she turned to look at me and said, "I don't know, I kinda want to kiss you right now... but I don't want to make you uncomfortable." "Why do you think I asked for gum?" I told her. She laughed, admitting that she hadn't even considered that reasoning. We both chuckled for a minute, then after a beat, we kissed. I ended up being put on call for work, and ended up not having to go in until after one in the morning. What was supposed to be two hours of hanging out turned into seven hours of laughing, bonding, cuddling, and kissing...so much kissing. We've hung out a couple more times since then; she's made me dinner, we've smoked weed together, I've gotten to play with her animals, we still talk every day, and naturally I'm falling into my old habits. I keep learning more and more things about her that just make me wonder if she's even real or just a hallucination of mine, a hologram of what my subconscious thinks the perfect woman is. I constantly remind myself to be mindful and rational, that I need to go slow and trust the process. I know that there's still so much I need to work on for myself before I can be the best partner I can be, especially if I'm going to be worthy of someone like her. And there's still so much for either of us to learn about each other. These are things I tell myself, usually as I'm heading out to see her, or as I'm leaving after hanging out. I am rational. I am mindful. I know it's way too soon to get attached, and while there's nothing wrong with being hopeful, I'm self aware enough to recognize my tendency to rush into emotional investment. And yet, I think about her all the time. I miss her everyday. She tells me the same. I don't know... I used to make mix cd's for the people I was in love with, mostly for my ex wife, because I used to think music was a great way to express your feelings for someone. I started to make a Spotify playlist for Heather, but this time more so for me to listen to and explore and deconstruct these feelings I'm having. I recently moved my record player and speakers downstairs, so I decided to smoke some weed and listen to the playlist to test out the sound in the basement this morning. The listen was going smooth, and I enjoyed the mix I curated for a good dozen songs or so, tapping my foot or bobbing my head to the beat, smiling as I think about her. Then, "Nothing's Gonna Hurt You Baby" by Cigarettes After Sex came on, and the music suddenly set a different tone. The first lines are sung: Whispered something in your ear I immediately thought about a moment of dialogue between Heather and I, and a wash of warmth and adoration came over me, which was then followed by a paralyzing realization that I can't control my feelings for her, and that the last time I felt this way was last year, and before that was when I met my ex-wife. I spent ten years with my ex-wife, whom I loved dearly and was for all intents and purposes, my best friend, but it eventually ended, and I don't know if I ever really grieved the loss of my marriage. And last year... last year really broke me... I let my love for someone influence my impulsive behaviors and I rushed a relationship that was emotionally passionate and intense, and crashed just as hard... I sat on the couch, flushed with anxiety and despair, both at my inability to control how I romantically feel about people, and the very likely chance that I could be emotionally destroyed again. My eyes welled with tears, and I fell apart. I began weeping as my brain chastised me for letting my heart get carried away, and for being a failure as a partner. I'm going to be 37 in a couple of months, and here I am still feeling like a teenager over somebody, and afraid to lose them before I even have them. I think these thoughts had always been in my head in a superficial way, but this was the first time I really let my inner self explore them: the concern that I'm delusional and contriving an intense romance with someone out of my own loneliness, or that my sudden adoration is genuine and that it'll all end badly, either from things out of my control, or me just fucking things up in general. It was amusing in a dark, melancholic way as the chorus of the song that was meant to reflect my sentiment towards her, then became reassurances from the song to myself as I cried alone in my basement: Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby After a bit, I wiped away the tears, befuddled at the unexpected come apart I just had, and went to bed, and I've been in a weird mood since. My composure is walking a tight rope, and I feel like any little bit of sentiment could sway my balance and send me plunging into a neurotic nightmare. I know I'm insecure about my failures as a husband and a boyfriend, but I hadn't realized I was holding onto so much pain that I would be THIS afraid. I feel like I have to be myself, but also, not be myself as I pretend to be cool and casual, all the while I'm fighting every urge and instinct to fall madly in love with her... Pray for me... 7:16 p.m. - 2023-03-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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