christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness then god is empty, just like me I am home. A homestead filled with memories and vibes. That all doesn't seem to matter now. At this point, my home feels like a tomb. Like the Taj Mahal, only not a sacred artifact or a distant attraction. I am alone for the weekend. It's been about five hours of solitude, not including my 30 minute interlude at Shari's with Steph and Brooke. It's lonely and silent. The solitude doesn't bother me other than the normal spice of infinite sadness that everyone feels when they are lonely, but rather the silence begins to show it's voice. Ironic, I'm sure, Silence being able to speak. It's as if the silence speaks villainy into my ears. The silence tells me of past events. Events with my family. Specifically the fights between parents and children. It's not really a matter of heartache from "bad childhood" but rather just a creepy vibe swimming through the rooms and halls. Even the garage holds a sense of disatisfaction. My father is smoking again, which of course tears my mother to pieces. I've been having to be her pedestal for some time and I don't know what to do to lift her higher. She deserves better than what she gets. She's a saint. Away away, you have been banished Now I am breaking this tyrannical silence with Annie Lennox. It's uncanny how her voice sounds like a man. But how beautiful it is. This song is one that has changed me forever. I practiced with Steve and Becky on Crash into Me today, and it went rather well. Actually it was probably one of the highlights of my day. It appears as though Steve, Becky, and myself have a chemistry that fits very well. There is no bickering or annoying egotism. The normal: Babble Babble Bitch Bitch Rebel Rebel Party Party SEX SEX SEX And don't forget the violence... ...is not expressed. Becky has accepted our proposal of her being in this new band. Thinking about this new oppurtunity fills me with a sort of joy that assures me everything is going to be fine musically. I have taken an inspiration to finish songs that I have procrastinately pushed aside and turned them into new masterpieces. I have more to finish and more to create. And I feel as if all of these songs are going to be as heartfelt as possible. Most of these songs I can't perform without releasing some sort of intense emotional breakdown. My songs with a melancholistic tone cause me to tear in the eyes. My songs about anger make me unbelievably infuriated. My songs about the love of my life fill me with a happiness that assures me everything will be fine emotionally. I wish she was here. I miss her. I was sitting outside yesterday, waiting for Steph to call, when I started to shake. I must have been out there for 45 minutes. I started to wonder how long it would take for the temperature in my body to drop to the point of death. It made me wonder how to find these things out. You realize later that you can't figure them out without having to experience it first hand. If I were to wait until I froze to death, I wouldn't be able to share the results. It's not as if it were some Nintendo game where I die, then I come back, static at first, then take true form, knowing that I only have two lives left. It gave me inspiration to write a new song. It's a story you could say, about a scientist so obsessed with knowing it all, that he tries to perform the impossible. And in the end, he inevitably dies. Interesting, but needs work. I have another three hours until I start to feel fatigue, so I must figure out what to do to fill the time. -Flower 9:33 p.m. - 2003-11-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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