christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Snow and Roses About six months ago, I started to harbor these delusions that I was in a world where I couldn't be myself at will. I was always afraid of that monster chasing me. I couldn't close my eyes because I was afraid to open them. I was surrounding by what seemed to be...a twilight zone, if you will. Everywhere around me, people where cheating, doing drugs, and I felt like there was no escape. No way to run and find that "green valley" and I found that there were no gateways to a peaceful terrain of longnecks and three-horns. As time passed, it became less of a delusion, and more of a reality. I guess you could say, this is where my paranoia began. My faults at trusting people too fast became the downfall of my security. I do remember, through all of it, I had her....Finally, it's out. I am fairly good at keeping others' concerns away from my direction. At least long enough for me to put on another face. But when I say that I'm fine, I'm lying. This has been bothering me for some time. And now I find myself back to where I was. But, this time I'm not so worried about how to escape. However, I'm fearful. I'm really afraid. Because I feel myself looking behind my shoulder again. I was laying on my couch around 3:00 when I dozed off. I started to hear children playing outside. I started to hear my friends walking past me, talking about anything they felt convenient. Then, she appeared in my face, screaming, "It's your fault, I blame you...I don't want you to ever speak to me again." I immedietely woke up, in sweat, and in tears. I can't take it anymore. I've been hurt for far too long now, and I've come to the point where I see no light at the end of the tunnel with her. We haven't spoken in about two weeks, but I can still be destroyed by her silence. I'm sure that it's not just her. In fact, I'm well aware that this is probably my fault. But I won't let myself fuck up again. Maybe it's inevitable to escape this abomination, which I call my life, but I can use these pains, as a reminder, that not everyone is what they really are. They are not all up to par. She gets her way, I'm quitting. But not just the troop... -Flower 9:42 p.m. - 2003-12-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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