christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I've had a sudden rush of emotions and I feel like spelling them out. You don't read this, and I never use my diary as a message board of negativity. I'm more upfront, but since I plan on not talking to you for awhile, consider this me "writing down what I want to say". You are poison to me. You are the very epitome of harm. You are more dangerous to me than my smoking habits, which oh by the way, started again because of you! Looking back on it, I spent over three months trying to get you to trust me enough to start dating, and then after that I spent another three months getting you to trust me at all. A waste of fucking time is purely an understatement. Nobody should ever have to go through that emotional roller coaster. I mean, I understand if you've had bad experiences in the past, but that was one guy. Granted there are a billion just like him, but what the fuck? Do I actually look like that kind of person? All I did was give you compliments which I felt you deserved, I opened up to you when I had a problem, and for what? When you had a problem, I tried to help you, and you respond with, "don't touch me". If I was a practicing catholic like my family, I'd swear Jesus was fucking deaf. I start falling in love with you, even harder than my first love. I try to continue to be there for you, which was blissful when you wanted it to be, until all of a sudden your personalitly can only be defined as bipolar, and you break up with me without even clear explanation, but a soft calm reasoning, "don't worry, everything will work out". All the overreacting was on my part I admit, only because I was over-in-love with you. No person can humanly be in that much love for another as I was. Then you tell me you want to get back together, to go through an even worse side of schizophrenia. And don't get me wrong, you were unbelievably sweet during the few special moments we had, but then I'd remember every week trying to get a date with you, when we barely see each other 5 minutes in one week, but you'd blow it off to hang with your friend, who you claimed to be your best friend when you weren't talking about her behind her back to another claimed best friend when you weren't talk about her to yet another claimed best friend. I came to every single sporting event that I could, in support of you. I'm watching fucking sports for you, and yet you can't even spend one fucking evening out with me. And then, two days after Christmas, one day after I was arrested, you write this page in you diary about me suffocating you, being overly generous because I was afraid of losing you, which was true if you take into consideration that you stopped being my girlfriend a long time ago, you just failed to fucking mention, and that you can't be a girlfriend until you figure your life out. Basically, how I took it, you broke up with me without the common decency of a phone call at least. So I call you, and tell you I'm sorry, and it was great while it lasted. And then all of a sudden, it was I broke up with you. If I wasn't mistaken, that was my guardian angel telling me, "eat shit and die". And when a friend is concerned for me, I mention that to you and you actually accuse me of fishing for sympathy from people. What fucking nerve do you have to even proclaim that you know one fucking detail about me. Obviously you didn't pay attention the last half a fucking year. I say let's get back together and I still love you, you say that you can't, that you love me as a person, and you don't love me that way. Then I say, maybe you're right, and you blow up like a fucking Baptist to an LDS (inside joke) for giving up on you. Over another half a year, I find I'm still in love with you, but still undoubtedly in love. I start talking to you more, I ask you on a date. You stand me up. Not even a phone call. We start talking again, have a great conversation one night, I ask you out again, and yet again, you stand me up, with out a phone call, or any answer to mine. Excuse me if I've suffered enough trauma from you that I need to take a fucking breather. And don't think that I didn't appreciate the things that you've done for me, and let me mention that what you have done is give me inspiration to write, hense the whole muse thing. It's like a close one said, you are too ego-centric to focus on other people around you. And excuse my best friend if has a problem getting along with you. I think he's just a little biased considering the hardest ordeal I've ever had to overcome. If you're thinking I'm attacking you, fucking deal with it. I'm tired of having to suffer from my own repeated mistakes. Believe it or not, I have finally moved on from you, and my only motivation has been you. Will I ever talk to you again? I don't know. Will I ever forgive you? I don't know. But for now, just stay the fuck away from me. 2:38 a.m. - 2004-11-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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