christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying this again I need to wipe the slate clean and start working on myself again. I've started to become buried underneath all the stress and worry that I'm starting to lose focus of my sense of self. Part of the problem is my inconsistency with my medication. I'm not sure if I'm subconsciously signaling a desire to rid myself of a constant crutch, or I'm just too distraught to focus on what needs to be done. I've decided to start writing in here again, but solely for myself. I don't know where to begin, whether to start by discussing my problems... or to just rant at what I wish life would be like. I've been acting selfish lately. Some of it, deservedly so. But, a lot of it is either unwarranted or dangerously harmful. I feel abandoned. And I keep wondering if it's my fault. Most of my friends have moved on with their lives. I thankfully have Kort, whose advice I've recently followed, and without whom, I probably would have made a mistake. But everyone else... maybe if I reached out more, or was a better friend in high school... maybe more people would have stuck around. I mean, I know I can be pretty egotistical, but I never thought I was a toxic personality. Mike tried to reach out a little, but I just felt too awkward to respond. There was a period of time where I was trying to rekindle my friendship with Mike, but ultimately his incredibly busy life made it hard for him to keep in touch. He has a daughter now, and a great job it seems. When he sent me the text message revealing his impending fatherhood, I told him he had everything he ever wanted, and he deserved it. He does. He's a good guy. Starla's and my relationship has become tumultuous and at times has come close to breaking. I've spent a lot of our time together leaving behind my stipulations and barriers for marriage in exchange for the comfort of placid interactions, which I should have stopped long ago when I found it never worked. But as I'm a coward to confrontation, I let go a lot of irksome things that Starla may have done, or feelings that I should have expressed when I felt embarrassed or humiliated. I don't want to paint a picture that she's a bad wife. She's a great wife. But lately I've been wondering my place with her and how much I matter in her world. I feel at times that are personalities are at odds and we no longer want the same things. I contemplate frequently whether this is just a typical second guess of my commitment that every body has in a marriage. I've spoken up much more about the things I've hoped for in our relationship. Some of it she understands, some of it she doesn't. I understand that two people living together are never going to see 100% eye to eye on things, so I can be understanding as long as she's still willing to try and work towards those goals, which she seems up for. It's been going okay the last week, so hopefully we can build from there, but I've decided to no longer be an observer in our relationship and actively try and make the life I want. A lot of this depression has affected the way I work in the band as well, which is usually my safezone. I don't know whether it's the lack of progress or an actual disinterest in the band's "casual" focus, but I feel unfulfilled in our endeavors. This could just be a slow time... but I feel like there's progress to be made, but we're not ambitious enough to go for it. I'm not looking for rock star status. I'm interested in pushing us beyond our limits musically and as a business. With time, I suppose... 1:46 p.m. - 2014-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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