christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I'm shy. But I overcome my shyness... in order to get things done." I'm the last of my high school friend group to still actively write on this site; all the other diaries have been disabled for a long time. However, recently I was wasting time on the Wayback Machine on the Internet Archive site, and found that some of their entries are saved there, quite a bit in fact. The diary with the most numerous entries saved belonged to my very first girlfriend from high school, who was the primary reason I decided to join Diaryland. It's been such a trip reading posts from 22 years ago, entries that reference moments that I had forgotten about entirely. Sadly, most of the diaries weren't archived and will probably never be recovered. I would love to reread the things Steve or Brett used to write about. Instead, I've been actively browsing and reading different diaries on this site to pass the time at work. It's appropriate that the ones that catch my interest usually have entries with explicit details involving sex, kinks, or intimacy, and damn… there are some thirsty writers on Diaryland lol… I'm such a pervert…. I've always been a sexually charged person, but I've also become fascinated by the sexuality in others, and the different kinks or fetishes people have. A lot of my partners have also been sexual people, but maybe not always on the same level as me, and only a couple I've been with have actually shared the same kinks. I'd say my primary fetish is being dominant, something I was exposed to when I was young, but didn't fully understand or appreciate until I was married and in my thirties. When I was 19, my ex-girlfriend from Texas would tell me to choke and slap her during sex. The first time she asked, I remember being uncomfortable and unsure of how to fulfill such a request, but I awkwardly obliged and would occasionally pepper in moments of dominance from them on. Her positive reception would turn me on like crazy, whether it be her moans of approval, or how wet I could feel her get, but I felt a lot of guilt and shame about it afterwards, and it was hard to compartmentalize how I thought I was supposed to treat a woman with these consensual acts of aggression in bed. I started dating my ex-wife when I was 21, and while the sex was great, it was mostly vanilla stuff until a few years later when she revealed she enjoyed being spanked, her hair pulled, and being choked as well, though she didn't enjoy being slapped, which was a relief at the time. Around this period, I started reading up about BDSM and dom/sub relationships, and the more I researched, the more intrigued and excited I became. From then on, we experimented with things like restraints, freeuse, exhibition and what not, but what really seemed to give satisfaction was when she'd be completely submissive to me: letting me throw her around the bed into any position I wanted her in, obeying my every command, addressing me with the proper title (I always preferred “sir” over “daddy”), letting me choke her while I'd relentlessly ram my cock into her. She often wasn't always into playing that role, and I would always respectfully turn off my dom mode, but the moments when it did were the most transformative to my sexuality, and it opened a whole new world of kinks I wanted to explore. Towards the last year of our relationship, we had gotten very involved posting pics and videos of ourselves on amateur porn sites, and would occasionally fuck on webcam for other couples to watch. This led to a discussion on the possibility of opening up our marriage, and before long we both had friends with benefits that we'd each be with on Friday nights while coming back home to each other on Saturdays. Of course, while this came up organically from all the things we were experimenting with, we were actually trying to add excitement to a marriage we were both dissatisfied with, and ultimately was one of the reasons we split up. After the divorce, I continued seeing my fwb, and would occasionally meet with kink friendly people on Tinder. One match I had was very submissive and enjoyed more aggressive forms of dominance than I had been used to: she didn't just want to be spanked, she wanted her ass painted red, she wanted choked until her face turned purple, she wanted me to slap her cheek hard enough to leave a mark, to bite her tits and pull her nipples with my teeth, or yank her hair like I'm pulling the starter cord of a lawn mower. She wanted to be degraded, and to be treated like a ragdoll. Intimidating, but after all the research and gentler training I had done before, I felt more confident that I could stow away any feelings of guilt or shame from participating, especially if I followed through with the proper aftercare. The slapping and degradation was difficult, at least at first, but just like before, I found myself extremely turned on by how much she enjoyed it. I’d tell her to get on her knees, and she’d obey, slinking down to the floor and beginning to unzip my pants to grab my dick. I’d yank her hair back, forcing her to look up at me, and tell her, “I didn’t say you could do that yet.” She’d let out this moan of exasperated anticipation, like if she didn’t taste my cock, she’d spontaneously combust. Eventually after some playful teasing, she’d have me in her mouth and I’d be controlling her movement by the grip of her hair. I’d ask her, “you love being a slut for my cock, don’t you?” (*cringe*) She’d lovingly moan with me still in her mouth, pull me out, and would respond, “Oh god yes.” I’d pull her hair back again, and slap her across the face, not hard enough to bruise her, but enough that the sound of my palm smacking her cheek would loudly fill the room, and I would sternly ask, “Yes what?” “Mmmm, yes sir,” she would respond with a smile, then go back to deep throating me with unending enthusiasm. Sometimes I would be fucking her doggystyle, tirelessly pounding into her as her she bounced against my pelvis. I'd grip her hips and pull her towards me with each thrust, asking her, "Does that feel good baby?" She'd loudly moan back to me, "Oh fffuck yes!" I'd spank her so hard, my white handprint would linger in the flesh of her ass before flushing to pink. She'd cry out with pleasure as I'd sternly ask again, "Yes what?" "Yes sir!!" Then I would pull her hair so her back would arch towards me, putting her throat in reach for me to grab and choke, and I’d feel her get so wet that I couldn’t help but cum inside of her (with her pre approval, of course). We'd collapse on the bed, catching our breath, and I'd cuddle her into my arms while telling her how amazing and sexy she was, asking if she was okay or hurt, reassuring her that she's safe. Remember, aftercare is key! This relationship didn't last very long, but the sex was so visceral and enjoyable that it was hard to go back to the more vanilla sex with my fwb afterwards. In fact, it's been permanently ingrained in my sexuality, a fetish more than a kink. Over the last few years, I've found that I can enjoy (and sometimes prefer) slower, passionate sex if I'm very emotionally connected with someone, but if it's more casual and I'm not romantically invested in them, it can be hard to become aroused without some level of dominance involved. And it HAS to be mutually enjoyed. My fwb would eventually learn what I was into, and wanted me to do those things to her, but it became apparent that she was participating in my fetish because she was becoming romantically attached to me, and wanted to please me as a way to keep me around. I can't get into it if the other person doesn't also enjoy it, and I certainly would be adverse to leading anyone on for sexual gratification, so we ended up parting ways. But my girlfriends I've had since then have all enjoyed being submissive, and I don't take it for granted. In fact, being dominant is so much more satisfying and enjoyable with someone you love. It was always an awkward adjustment trying to be bossy and aggressive with strangers, but with my most recent partners, I could turn into James Spader from Secretary on a dime lol. Though, I still have trouble with the degradation part. I'm not very eloquent when it comes to sexual, insulting petnames, and I tend to overuse the word "slut", which is a pretty hackneyed word already. Maybe I need to do more research… It’s a weird feeling, being an aggressive dominant. Naturally there will always be a little shameful discomfort that comes with more extreme or violent kinks like rough sex or breath play, but there’s also this exhilaration at participating in something taboo and against the cultural norm. Above all that, I think the biggest turn on is the trust that's being given to me, for them to know that I will always respect their boundaries, and would never want to harm anyone emotionally or physically. Maybe it's a psychological validation thing too. I was called ugly a lot as a kid, so I grew up with strong insecurities that still affect me to this day. A woman completely submitting herself to me, and giving me permission to do these things to her and her body just feels like an absolute form of approval I suppose. Anyway, this went on way longer than I intended. I guess I'm the thirsty one now. 3:46 a.m. - 2023-06-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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