christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Devil man, devil man calling, devil man running in my head yeah I never considered 37 to be middle aged until I realized that I’m now halfway to the age my grandparents were when they died. It’s getting harder not to think about how much time slips by as I catch myself in moments staring at how old my parents seem to have gotten. It’s made me think about death a lot, so much so that I sometimes zone out and daydream about my own demise. One time I fell into a deep trance and, with vivid detail, mentally played out my last goodbyes to my children as I passed away in the very same ICU that I now work at. I’ll admit that this imaginative sojourn of my macabre fascination was precipitated by a heavy indulgence of indica. Accordingly, I’ve begun my mid-life crisis phase, though aside from getting a hot, young girlfriend ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), I avoided all the usual clichés. I didn’t buy a sports car because for one, I’m not into cars in general, and two, I don’t exactly have the means to finance a purchase that costly. I also didn’t pierce my ears or commit some other body alteration in order to feel more youthful. Instead, I’ve chosen to decorate my basement with vintage posters and action figures from my youth, all of them at least 30 years old. I get little flashbacks of what it was like to hold some of these toys for the first time, then I’m flooded by a wave of nostalgia dopamine. But afterwards, I get remorseful thinking about the child I was, and I start to mourn that kid as if he were a separate person that died. I just don’t feel connected to that kid anymore, and it really breaks my heart. Work is underway for the next charity show, and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that I will not be the only guitarist playing the show as Eric will most likely be playing rhythm. I usually don’t have any issue sharing roles with another musician, but White Zombie has always played with a singular guitarist, and hearing it live with a second sounds off-putting. There is also the fact that Eric never prepares or practices beforehand, and instead learns the songs on the day of rehearsal. We had always treated this project as if we were professional session musicians that do our homework before coming to practice. It’s extremely difficult, not to mention aggravating, that not only do we have to slow down the group’s practice so that I can go through the riffs with him, but also I can’t hear how accurate my own playing is when all of the wrong notes he’s playing are dominating the guitars. Hopefully it will come together over the next few weeks. I keep perpetuating this neurosis where an invasive personality tries to talk me out of being happy. Sometimes when I'm with Heather, and I’m enjoying whatever loving, domestic moment we’re sharing, a whole different psyche will temporarily take hold and a voice says, “she doesn’t love you.” I’m then trapped in a cycle of rumination as my negative brain begins scrutinizing every word or action she’s made to find some evidence of her deception, while my rational/positive brain dismisses the notion to the point of exhaustion. I also have these insecurities about her relationship with her best friend, whom she used to date a few years back. I trust Heather and don’t have any issues with their friendship, and I obviously would never put myself between them. But there are times when I catch myself with these random, jealous anxieties, like wondering if she responds to her texts faster than she does to mine, and I then reprimand myself for being so immature. I try communicating with her about it in an effort to fulfill my promise to myself that I would be more open and honest in this relationship, but I still sometimes fall into my old habit of bottling up for fear that she’ll think I’m some emotional, clingy mess. She tells me that I can talk to her about anything, yet I still can’t seem to trust that she’d be understanding, even though she’s consistently proven otherwise. I need to figure out my bullshit because I can’t let my ineptitude fuck up what has easily been the best relationship I’ve ever had. Aside from a couple of Mondays, I’ve spent every day for the past month with her. Most of our nights we play video games and smoke weed together, or we’ll hang out and play with the kids when I have them. We’ve talked about our future, even contemplated if we would have a kid together if the time was right. All three kids will run up to her and give her the biggest hug whenever she comes over. She also calls me her honey bunny (◕‿◕) 4:48 a.m. - 2023-08-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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