christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- T.S. Quint: Woah, she calls you "callow" in here. Brodie: You say that like it's bad. T.S. Quint: It means frightened and weak-willed.Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary. A few weeks back, Hailey had asked if she could take Sophie on a vacation to Monterey Bay with her boyfriend during the days I had her. I don’t feel comfortable with it considering my very low opinion of him, but since I don’t have any control over the men Hailey dates, and because I thought it would be fun for Sophie, I agreed. Sophie was really excited about it, so I did my best to feign enthusiasm and did what I could to be accommodating to Hailey regarding schedules to help make their trip a little easier. They left for their trip during the day last Tuesday, and I picked up the toddlers from Hailey’s brother in the evening, and everything seemed to be going fine. On Wednesday morning, I get a facetime call from Sophie from Hailey’s phone, and I answer to see an extremely elated Sophie with Hailey and her boyfriend smiling in the background in a very populated amusement park. “Daddy! I’m at Disneyland!” My heart instantly sinks to the pit of my stomach. When Hailey and I were together, we talked multiple times about how fun it would be to take the kids on a big trip like that, and how amazing it would be to see their reactions to being at Disneyland, and recognizing that magical feeling we experienced when we were kids. Even when we broke up, we had talked about how neither of us would want to miss out on that and it’d be nice to find a way to make that work despite not being together. I’m not naïve enough to think that we would have followed through with such a plan, but Hailey very clearly knew I would be extremely disappointed not being a part of that experience. I was instantly enveloped with remorse and anger as I had to bite my lip and muster as much fake excitement as I could so Sophie could share her elation with me, while her mother carried on her shit eating grin walking behind her. I texted Hailey that I thought she was going to the bay area, and she responded that her boyfriend surprised her. Based on recent experiences with her dishonesty, I don’t believe her, and even if I did, her complete obliviousness to how I'd respond is just another example of how callow and thoughtless she can be, not to mention there would have been plenty of opportunities during the six hour drive between the bay area and Anaheim that she could have clued me in to what they were doing. I told her it was fucked up that she was 350 miles away from where they said they would be, and that she knew I would be upset about taking Sophie and chose not to tell me anyway. I said with everything that has gone on in the last six months, it makes me feel like she doesn’t respect me as Sophie’s father and that she’d rather I not be. She never addressed any point I made. It was hard not to fume about it throughout the next couple of days, and my anger only snowballed with the anxieties I was already feeling. I tried keeping distracted by working on chores around the house, or getting on the ground and playing with Lucas and Zelda, but I would still get caught in this emotional trance where I’d freeze in the middle of doing something and incense over the situation to the point I’d start to well up with tears. Heather came over Thursday night to have dinner and hang with me and the kids, and she acknowledged all of my feelings while giving her insight into why things might have played out the way they did. She also told me she thought I was an amazing dad and that it was one of the many things she loved about me, which always feels good to hear from her. She was great at being diplomatic while also making me feel validated for being upset. It was such a relaxing and soothing conversation, that it helped me open up to her about all the anxieties I was feeling with the relationship, the stuff she already knew about and the stuff I was too afraid to tell her: that there were parts of me that still feared she doesn’t really love me, that I’m insecure about her relationship with her best friend, and that I constantly worry about not being good enough, but that I also hated that I was letting those insecurities compromise me emotionally. She was so awesome. She addressed each issue and made me feel assured. Even when I said I didn’t want to be the guy that needed constant reassurance, she stressed that she didn’t believe I was that person, but that she nevertheless wants to make me feel loved and listened to, and that I could always come to her with anything I was feeling. It alleviated so much of my stress, and while I was still angry about the situation with Hailey, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Friday night, we ordered pizza and watched cartoons with the toddlers, then after they fell asleep, we snuggled up on the couch in my basement and chuckled in amusement as we watched anime. I love this woman ❤ 9:32 p.m. - 2023-08-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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