christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- manhugs.libsyn.com For all those wanting some torture upon their ears, you can listen to me and Steve have a boring conversation on Manhugs! I've spent the night editing the conversation and finally got it published online, and I still can't comprehend the success I've made for myself here. Of course, it wasn't just me. I feel very thankful that Steve is with me on this project and the pod will feel even more special when Mike stops watching football and joins the fun. I don't expect to see much downloading or traffic on the website, but it feels good just knowing that I followed through on something. We had our first practice in months on Sunday and there's already talk of potential shows in the near future. I was hoping to break the hiatus with a EP release show, but that might have to sit on a back burner until we can accumulate more funds. Wow, sitting here thinking about the podcast, the band, and various spinning plates I have going on... it's actually making me feel great. I figured I would feel pretty well about being more productive than lazy, but it just hit me that I'm actually doing something as opposed to just being guided by life. If only I had gotten my head around this motivation years ago, who know where I'd be. However, thinking down that path is sure to take away the joy that I should be feeling. Nothing's worth fretting if it's in the past, except maybe slavery or the holocaust. And I'm still young, so there will be plenty more opportunities in the future. I just have to maintain this pace and not let myself fall back to old habits. I remember when I first started shooting a short film that I wrote. The script was very juvenile, we used an 8mm Sony Camera from 1999, and a couple of guys I had in mind and who agreed do be a part of it, actually up and quit. But we recast new dudes, and started filming at my old bud Nick's house. Hearing other people speak the words I wrote and collaborating to find the ultimate angle and shot was so exciting and fulfilling to me, and even when the first round of footage became unusable and when a couple actors didn't show up for a scene, we made do, reshot the beginning, wrote a whole new scene, and ended with a dumb, piece of shit film that I absolutely adored. Then we tried to edit it, and at the first sign of trouble that looked difficult, it collapsed into memory and remains a lost project to this day. Original tapes I had are lost or recorded over, and I lost all momentum for filming it. I tried other projects too of that nature, but they too ended up being dropped for their difficulty. This is the kind of stuff that fails because of my inability to adapt and embrace a challenge. Until this week, I've let myself neglect any ambitions I aspire to for the sake of comfort. Even with all the jokes about my weight and my hypocritical nature from my teens and early twenties (these diary pages as evidence), my adept level of quitting is something I'm most ashamed of, at least at the moment. This year needs to be the catalyst of a real turnaround in my life and I can only try to make that happen. For some self encouragement, I'll go visit my podcast's webpage. 5:03 a.m. - 2012-01-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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