christ666's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Diarylander's block I've come to this diary a few times over the past month attempting to update on how things are going, but every time I would just stare at this blank white box with absolutely no ability to express any thoughts. I still have this urge to write, even if it's just to catalogue a few noteworthy memories that have occurred, but my brain just shuts off as soon as I click "Add entry" and rest my fingers on the keyboard. I hope it's just another symptom of my ADHD and not indicative of a lack of desire to return here. As much as it pains me to read every histrionic entry I've written in this thing, I do find comfort that it's still here. I'm getting that restless, depressed feeling I get when I have nothing to work towards. The Imposter Syndrome show is over with, which went fine (though not without some performance fuckups that will surely haunt me for the rest of my life), and while MSA is back to jamming and hopefully getting back on track for a cd release, I'm not entirely hopeful that we're going to make quick progress. The fact that we started this album five years ago is already discouraging enough, and Eric has so much on his plate with all his other bands, I'm not inclined to think he's going to have the time to buckle down and finish the mix and master this year. So, with MSA working at a snail's pace, Mortal on hiatus, and IS not practicing again until the end of June, I've got nothing creative going on really, which is what always helped me justify this menial, shit-paying job I've been working for the last 16 years. Now that I have three kids, and all these adult responsibilities, I feel like I need to be doing more professionally. I got so comfortable working here since the schedule was so flexible with my personal life, especially the music and the touring, but with nothing musical on the horizon, I'm left with just the job that barely provides. I feel ashamed that I didn't come to this realization sooner, that I could have been more financially stable and professionally ambitious, but I guess better late than never? The kids are growing so fast, and I feel like I miss so much of it. You blink and they're suddenly half a year older, saying more intelligent shit, solving problems on their own...Lucas is just starting to get out of his destructive toddler phase and is showing so much more compassion and sweetness to everyone, and there are so many times Zelda is the smartest person in the house. As Sophie gets older, her personality gets bigger, and with that comes a lot of drama to deal with as a parent. For a year, she'd talk so much about all the boys that she thought had a crush on her, and the ones that she got giddy over, and last month, she told me she's got a girlfriend now and that she's gay. Now, she tells me that her and the girlfriend don't talk anymore, ergo, is no longer gay. I had to explain to her that while it's perfectly okay if she was gay or straight, her being 9 is too young to be having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and that she'll probably better understand how she feels about people as she gets older. I had a bad night with her a couple of weeks ago. She was getting into trouble a lot that particular day, and by the evening I was so exasperated by her behavior that I sent her to bed pretty sternly. She then started to complain about being hungry and wanting a snack, but she had just eaten dinner a couple hours before, and would usually try to pull anything to prolong her bedtime, so I flatly told her no and to go to sleep. But, it escalated, and she got argumentative, yelling that she was starving, and since I was also working at getting the toddlers to sleep, and after a day of her getting into trouble, I yelled at her. Not just a loud verbal parent yell, but an angry one. She cried, and I yelled again, telling her not to throw a fit and to go to sleep. I angrily sat on the couch, holding Zelda to try and get her to bed, and I listened to Sophie sob herself to sleep, pleading to nobody that she wanted her mom. The thing is my dad would yell at me like that too. When I was Sophie's age, my mom used to go league bowling every Thursday night, and me and my brother would be left alone with him, often feeding us a simple dinner and leaving us on our own to entertain ourselves while he watched whatever sport was in season at the time. Sometimes I wouldn't want to go to bed either, especially without my mom being able to tuck me in, and I would throw a fit and cry too, screaming that "I wanted my mommy." I don't remember my dad really consoling me any of those times, but I do remember the times he would yell with his very booming, authoritative voice to stop crying and to go to sleep, and how scared and alone I felt in my room after. At first it was just a little soul-crushing to hear Sophie cry from the living room, but about an hour or so later after she had already fallen asleep, I felt worse and worse, and eventually I realized I had done exactly what my dad had done. And I think what I did was worse because Sophie already has to deal with the trauma of her parents splitting up and dividing her life between two homes. I felt like the worst father in the world. I walked into her room while she was sleeping, put her blanket that she had kicked off back over her, and kissed her forehead. She woke up and said, "Hey Daddy, I'm sorry for acting that way earlier." Then I started to cry. I told her I was really sorry about how I handled everything, that I shouldn't have yelled at her, and that I shouldn't have let her go to bed in so much distress. I emphasized that I really wanted her to always feel loved and comfortable when she's at my house, and that I was going to do better. She forgave me and said a lot of really sweet things, but I just felt pretty ashamed after all of it, and I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be patient and more empathizing with her. It helps that Heather has been my cheerleader, encouraging me that I'm a good dad. On that topic, I really wish I had better words to describe how happy I am with her. I truly want to be a better man so that I may be worthy of her, and I'm so thankful everyday that we found each other. We cycle through recurrent feelings of intense adoration every time we find something new to bond over, or something we both relate to, we both have the same goals and values for our relationship, and for the last three months, she's been the first and last person I talk to everyday. I've also never had someone express how much they're attracted to me, or tell me how interesting all of my creative endeavors are. Heather tells me how sexy I look playing on stage, and I wanna melt into a puddle of glee every time. Unsurprisingly, I told her I'm in love with her way earlier than I intended to, but shockingly she sad it back. The anxiety is still there, but muted. I've spent so much time melancholic, bottling emotions and trapping myself with this nihilistic and cynical perspective, that all this happiness feels foreign and surreal in a lot of ways. There's this subtle fear of the other shoe being dropped, or the rug being swept out from under me: that she no longer, or perhaps, never did love me. The feeling is usually worse when I'm at work for some reason, and while it's getting easier to ignore it, there are times when my brain wanders and an intrusive thought will send me temporarily spiraling downward. You know, I've always had insecurities, but I often wouldn't let them get in the way if I was interested in someone, and a lot of times it would almost come off as confidence, even if it was more projected rather than actually present. For some reason, I'm sorta shaken with Heather, and I'm having to work really hard at not letting it get the best of me. It's helped that in an effort to be a better man and partner, I've opened up to her about this anxiety, and she's been nothing but understanding and assuring. I think I'm getting better. It's also not something I deal with all the time, mostly when we're apart. When we're together, I'm usually just enraptured with her presence, enjoying the comfort of her body snuggling against mine when we fall asleep together, feeling joy when she sheepishly apologizes for some goofy faux-pas she's embarrassed by, or staring at the way the sunlight illuminates her face while we talk and thanking the universe for letting me be with such a beautiful person. And she's so, so amazing with the kids. She handles Sophie's energy with so much grace, teaching her piano or painting with her at the dinner table, she gets down on the ground and plays with Lucas, and she dotes on Zelda every chance that she gets. There are things I need to work on in my life, professionally and artistically, but fuck... it might be too early to tell, but when it comes to my home life, I might have hit the jackpot. 5:28 a.m. - 2023-05-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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